Dear Mrs. Crabby,
I have been dating Don for four months now. We spend almost every night together at his house. He is wonderful. He makes me feel like I am the only person in the entire world when I am with him. I am head over heels, and I thought he was for me too.
In the last two weeks I have been learning that Don has a lot of ex-girlfriends who still see him. I am beginning to wonder if Don is having sex with them the nights he is not with me. I think this because I found a 36C black lace bra in his bathroom, and I am a 32B. Plus the vaseline by the nightstand. We never use vaseline.
There is an ex-girlfriend who is now dating one of his roommates. Linda is really nice. Though I think Don is still hot for her because when they talk to each other they look each other right in the eye and talk in half sentences. It’s really intimidating.
Anyway, two days ago I was talking to Linda and told her that Don said to me that I am the only woman he would consider having children with. She laughed and said he had told her the same thing! I said that I should leave him. She asked “why don’t you.” And of course I said “But I love him.” She patted me on the arm and said “You poor dear. You’ll get over it. Just enjoy it for now.”
Another girlfriend’s furniture is stored in Don’s garage. His phone rings constantly when I’m with him and he says, mysteriously, “I’m not available for you right now.”
Mrs. Crabby, what is wrong with me? Sometimes I am so mad at him I could just stab him! I am crazy to stay here, but I love him!
Hon, you sound young. I am hoping you are young and still learning.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. There is also nothing wrong with Don. You are each entitled to have what you desire and need from a relationship. You just have to learn how to find this and make it happen. Don might not be the one for you, and stabbing is just not a good relationship tool.
I will tell you that there is more than one man out there who will be a good match for you. This business of there being only one “soul mate” in the universe to spend our lives happily with is an evil destructive lie. Not everyone will do, but you will have chemistry with more than Don in your life. The other questions to answer have nothing to do with chemistry. Do you get along? Do you have compatible life rhythms? Do you like and respect each other? Are you willing to stay through the long haul together and work on bringing the fun and play back to your relationship over and over again. These are the important questions.
From your description, I would say that Don is not a good match for you if he makes you this crazy. How can it be love if you want him in a way he is not interested in being there for you? I don’t think it is.
So, Irene, here is what you do. Enjoy what you do have with Don, which sounds like friends with benefits. Reap the benefits. Make friends with the other ladies. I’ll wager you’ll make some good friends there. Linda sounds wise and good. And keep your options open.
One of three things will happen. Either you will grow tired of the limited dimension available to you with Don, or he’ll dump you for someone else, or you’ll meet someone else. When things like this happen in your life, you can choose to view them as devastating and hurtful events, or you can embrace the good and fun that happened as a lovely set of memories as you move on to create more. That will be up to you.
But, please, stay away from the knives. Few people rock the orange jumpsuit.