Dear Miss Crabby,

Hi, my name is Karen. I am a 30-year-old woman having just the hardest time with people around me!!

Two years ago I lost my job as an airline ticket agent after I wrote myself and my then boyfriend a pair of tickets to San Francisco and charged them on this credit card I found on the ground at the terminal. I mean, it was lost, right? The people who owned it were going to cancel it so they wouldn’t be stuck with the fares. I’d been working non-stop for three whole days and needed a break! Anyway, the police had the nerve to tell me I was lucky to get off with just a warning.

I had to move in to my parents place and lived there for a year until my mom caught me taking a twenty out of her purse. My mom and dad were so awful to me! They kicked me out and told me to “get a job”. As if I could without any references.

I moved in with my best friend Stacy and her husband Josh. Finally I got a job after my unemployment ran out. Though it’s serving drinks at a strip club. Anyway, the tips are good and I can keep my clothes on. My problem now is Stacy. She is working two jobs and is almost never home. Josh is out of work and home when I am, and he is so sad and lonely. I started having sex with him about three months ago and now we are really tight. Stacy never pays any attention to him. She says she is too tired and gets pissed with Josh for not looking for work. OMG, Miss Crabby, she is AWFUL to him. Totally ball-busting. The poor man.

Last Monday I finally took her out for coffee when she was on her break from working the hospital reception job and told her she needs to pay more attention to her man if she wants to keep him. She looked at me sideways and wanted to know how it was any of my business!! Can you believe this! I am just trying to help her and Josh. Now she says I have to move out! I can’t afford my own place yet. Please write an answer to Stacy to tell her to be a good Christian and let me stay! She’ll read it, because she always reads your website!

Thanks Miss Crabby! All my love 4-ever,


Dear Karen,

First of all I have to give you my most heartfelt condolences over all your troubles and difficulties. What a passel of grief you are having to live through, hon! And no wonder. As it is obvious that your mama must have dropped you on your head when you were a baby!

Move out of Stacy’s home. Do it now. Do it by yourself. Before you get yourself murdered, stuffed into a barrel filled with cement and thrown into the sea, hon!

Apparently this memo missed hitting your child-raising days in-box –

You are human children. You are not shark children. It is extremely poor form to eat each other. Or your parents. Here are some basic rules for survival on our hostile planet –
~Never take what is not yours, even though it appears to be abandoned, unless it is for your physical survival.
~Do not steal money from your parents. Just raising you is costing enough as it is. Trust me on this one.
~Do not steal things from your friends unless you want to have the shit beat out of you. Some of you might well enjoy that, but most of you won’t.
~Earn your own keep or be subjected to the advice and rules of others for indefinite and profoundly annoying periods of time.
~Do not eat with your fingers at table, lest you be deemed a troglodyte and shunned from all social occasions that might provide better employment and mating opportunities.
~Always say please and thank you with a smile, especially when breaking any of the above rules. It make give you time to escape through a back door.

Karen, hon, you’re still young enough to save yourself. I’d advise you go live with the Sisters of Clare for a couple of years, but you’d probably just steal their rosaries and carry on with the visiting fathers.

Shut up, suck it up and get your own place, hon.

I.B. Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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