MAURA CAN’T SLEEP!!

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am an exhausted and “at my wit’s end” mom! I have not had a decent night’s sleep since my son was born. First it was colic. Next, he gave up his naps almost right away. Then after learning to walk, he just started to run and run and run. All the time. Now it’s the crying all night again. Then he wants to talk. And talk.

My husband has just thrown his hands up in the air and tells me it’s my problem, he’s had enough.

I am only 45, but I look 85, with the dark circles and baggy skin. Now my hair’s falling out from the stress.

Please help! You’re my last and only hope Mrs. Crabby.

Oh, did I mention, my son is 14 now. I haven’t slept a full night since 1997.

Exhaustedly,

Maura

Dear Maura,

Oh, hon, hon, hon. First of all, HUGE KUDOS for you for not snapping and going psychotic, as most normal sleep deprived people would have done. This also tells me that your son gets his condition from your side of the family.

And that condition would be an extreme case of ADD/ADHD/DVD/CD and R&D.

Your husband’s response we’ll get to later.

You need some sleep. The boy’s 14 now. He’s still too young to drink…. legally. Though he’s not too young for Nyquil. I’d try this on weekends, as he needs to go to school bright-eyed.

Next, invest in some lovely Bose headphones and a sound system. Get a hypnotic tape loop that will play all night to see if that will put him to sleep. Or some long-playing songs from Mel Torme or Perry Como. If this doesn’t work for him, then you use the headphones to drown out the crying.

Make sure he has a large supply of Playboy or Penthouse magazines in his room, or figure study art books if girly magazines offend your sensibilities. If not, and these don’t work, then try the naked men magazines. These should keep him quiet for at least a couple of hours. Though you’ll probably have to change the sheets daily.

If worse comes to worst, then turn your garage into his bedroom and leave him there at night. And if that doesn’t work, you might want to consider having a pack of wolves finish the job of raising him.

As to your husband, since he is not being of any help, the best start here is to book yourself into a gorgeous spa for a couple of weeks without telling him and let him deal with the situation alone. If that doesn’t inspire his contribution, perhaps leaving the business cards of extremely expensive divorce attorneys around the house will help.

You could always consult a psychologist or other such doctor, but they will just write expensive prescriptions of things that you will steal. Natural is always better, hon.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

I.B. Crabby

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