Many years back we moved from an apartment building to a lovely home. Being in the same locale, we were able to keep our telephone number. The former apartment was one where the front gate would ring to your telephone when a visitor buzzed your flat number on the keypad.

After a few months in our new home, the phone rang one morning and I answered.

“Hello, I’m here to look at the two bedroom for rent.”

“???? I think you have the wrong number, hon.”

“No. I’m here at the gate and I pressed ‘Leasing Office'”

“Well, this is a private home and we do not have any apartments to rent.”

You have probably guessed, as I did, that somehow the apartment building had programmed our telephone number into the building’s keypad program.

When I called the management of the building, they informed me, in no uncertain terms, that it was impossible that this was happening. Which I found actually rather amusing.

The calls continued for over a year. Instead of going to the trouble of changing our number, or getting upset, I decided to include this in my repertoire of entertaining amusements. I would usually just say that this was a private residence and we were never going to rent out any rooms as we were not that hard up for cash. Shoo. Some more interesting callers would be told “Wonderful! You don’t mind sharing a bathroom with 4 other units, do you?” Or, “Where would you like the security camera placed, in your bedroom or your bathroom? And…do you wear thong panties by the way?” Then there was, “You don’t have to, but you will be asked to join us for nude full moon night at the pool where we dance the ceremonial ritual to the moon goddess.”

It turned out to be so much fun that I missed the calls when they stopped. I suppose the office finally figured out it was not at all impossible after all. Or they changed their system.

With telemarketers, first one should try the “Do Not Call” registry. This is very effective. If this doesn’t work, there’s the traditional asking them for their home telephone number and telling them you’ll have to call back later. My preference is to listen to their spiel and just breathe heavily into the phone as they speak. When they are done and ask a question, then say “What? I didn’t hear you,” then turn away from the phone and yell “George! Bring me my hearing aids!! I left them under the KY Jelly!!” They’ve usually hung up by then.

Obscene phone callers are very easy to stop. When halfway into their spiel, I begin with “Hello?? Helloooo? What? Is anyone there? Damn! This phone is acting up again,” and hang up. Or, ask for their name, credit card number and security code, and act like you are a phone sex hotline. Might as well make some money off of it!

These days, true interpersonal entertainment can be difficult to find. Take advantage of every opportunity presented. This can be one of those precious opportunities.

BE CREATIVE! MAKE NEW FRIENDS! They are a guest in your home, after all. And very likely some poor sod working their third job to feed the new twins.

I.B Crabby

Yes, and?


  1. Hahaha! Nice style you got there. Guess I’m gonna try that one of these days.

    And I certainly agree. Why get annoyed when you can annoy them instead? I pull up pranks at them, too. Hahaha! I get my pranks tips from here And they sure work every time.

    I feel bad when I think of these telemarketers as just people who were trying to earn a living but couldn’t find any other job than what they have. But as soon as they start talking and reading me their scripts, I think pranks are better and putting up with them. Would you agree?

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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