It’s that time of year when so many find themselves with nothing to do! No presents to buy and wrap. No holiday to plan for. Relationships that were going to end have been ended, especially now that the gifts have been given.

It’s a fresh start! And there you are, a sitting duck!

Well, if you have a suspicion that you’re being followed, you probably are and here are some helpful tips to deal with this.

If you are walking alone on a street late at night – well what were you thinking, hon!! Never walk alone on a street late at night. Always walk with a buddy. And if you don’t have a buddy, get an inflatable person and a large sweatshirt. Wear the inflatable person like a conjoined twin under the sweatshirt, all the while having your cellphone bluetooth on, talking to a real person on the other line until you are safe in your car! Then take a photo of the person with your phone camera. AFTER your door is locked, hon. After.

If you are on a busy street or in a mall, you first prepare by carrying a wig and a change of clothes. When you have confirmed being followed, you duck into a clothing store and change into your wig and change of clothes. Exit the store slowly, confirming the location of your stalker and walk in the opposite direction, discreetly.

If you are in your car and think someone is following you, drive down some less populated streets to make sure. Then make a beeline to the nearest police station. If you have a dozen donuts in your car, just in case, this will be a lovely way to share with the police until your stalker disappears. Then ask for a police escort home. Hopefully you will get a really attractive officer to help you.

If you are in your car and discover this too close to home, drive on by your house, turn around and park down the street a ways, if the stalker doesn’t follow right off. If you can confirm a stalker then follow the advice above and head for the nearest po-po station.

If you are in your house and you notice the same car showing up day after day with someone sitting in it and never getting out, first wave to them when you go out to get in your car to leave. Then take their picture with your camera phone. And always call the police. Most towns and cities have ordinances against loitering. Just seeing the lovely black and white will give them pause. If it happens more than once, file a report, get a copy, print it on balloon party paper, put it in an envelope with handcuffs on the return address, then hire a kid to send a copy over to the car to give to the person. And always write down the license plate numbers, hon! The police are always happy to run these numbers. It could be a long lost rich relative checking you out!!

Do not be afraid and do not be intimidated. Be pro-active and do your best to help these folks rock the orange jumpsuit!

Tomorrow I’ll be giving tips on those repetitive wrong numbers!

I.B. Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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