Dear Dr Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

Miss Crabby replies: Of course you can own Canadians, or any other nationality! Here’s the trick for owning slaves in modern times: You must actually pay them minimum wage for whatever work they do for you. Unless you are hiring them as “illegals” and pay them less.(I do NOT endorse this practice at all. There’s no need! Read further) Either way, you charge back certain things for the privilege of “working” for you: such as – toilet use charges, entryway tolls (the more doors in your house, the more charges), kleenex charges (though they must bring their own, you still charge for rental space in the trash bin), and if you have attractive art – then there’s a museum entrance fee. Like that!! All perfectly legal.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

Miss Crabby replies: It all depends on age, training and looks. If below 10, barely trained and not particularly attractive the rate ranges from $500 to $5,000. Ages 11 to 19 raise by $1,000 per year. Skills add $2,000 per skill, except for airline pilot – that’s worth $100k; and looks can add upwards of half a mill. You can figure it out from there. Males have an additional 10% surcharge, because, well that’s how it rolls. This chart is in the apocrypha somewhere and was updated by an obscure sect of Biblical scholars called “The Button-Fly Levites”.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Miss Crabby replies: Follow or have her followed into the lavatory and ask leading questions like “I have such bad cramps today, do you have a feminine hygiene product I might borrow?” (P.S. she probably won’t want it returned), or “You look pale. Are you menstruating”. It’s really not that difficult.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Miss Crabby replies: Try to win them over first by sharing the barbecue. If it doesn’t work, modern day smiting consists of this: Tent your house and tell them you’re fumigating for bed bugs; Send your kids over coughing loudly to borrow sugar, then follow them and apologize and say you hope they weren’t exposed to the TB; When they are having a party, leave all your windows on their side of the house wide open and ask your grandmother over to walk around nekkid. They’ll get the idea, especially when you do all these things right after sacrifice time. Remember, we teach people how to treat us.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

Miss Crabby replies: Definitely ask the police. It’s always better to delegate. That way the other neighbors will also be inspired to regularly observe the Sabbath.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination? Should I smite him?

Miss Crabby replies: There are 6 degrees of abomination. We learned this from Kevin Bacon. For smiting, see #4’s answer above.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

Miss Crabby replies: You can approach, but not closer than 100 feet. That’s the current restraining order. The glasses sort of correct the problem. Lasik would be better. Call my brother Leonard for a good deal on the procedure. His office will be opened again in 30 days when the licensing suspension expires.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

Miss Crabby replies: That’s a typo. It should read “dye”. And it should be pink so they stand out for their sin.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Miss Crabby replies: Yes. As long as the gloves are not pigskin or lambskin. Polyester is best.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

Miss Crabby replies: These days we don’t have to use actual fires. You can contact agribusiness corporations with attractive pictures of their farm and they should be bought out in no time! As far as the garments – next visit spray itching powder inside the offending clothes. For the curse and blaspheme, put alum in their drinks. And for sleeping with the in-laws, well that one just needs the old-fashioned cure: sit them in chairs, force their eyes open and make them watch reruns of The Brady Bunch.

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction and Special Education University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we can’t own a Canadian

Miss Crabby says: Yes James, it would.

3 thoughts on “FILLING IN FOR DR. L

  1. LOL! I saw the original letter by Dr Kaufman, but you’re answers made me fall off the chair laughing! Hope you don’t mind, cause I’m sharing this on FB!

  2. Dont forget the Leviticus requirement to kill unruly children. Restaurants would be a whole new adventure if we followed that one. Many of the same people who tout Leviticus when being antigay HAVE unruly children whom they don’t intend to kill.

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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