Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My name is Hecuba. Seriously. Hecuba. I didn’t change it to that, it’s what my parents named me. I was a “surprise” to them and they considered it a tragedy that I was not born a Greek queen. Twisted, I know, but there you are. At least they did not name their next “surprise”, my younger brother, “Priam.”

But that is not my problem.

Now that I am on my own, moved away from my oh, so twisted, family, I have discovered a terrible family secret. I learned this when I went to stay with my favorite Auntie Em. Yes, it’s really “Auntie Em” and no, she does not live in Kansas.

Auntie Em showed me her memory album full of old family photos and news reports. It turns out that my momma is the grandchild of Bonnie and Clyde – the daughter of their secret “love child,” born in a shot out old barn, and left on the doorstoop of a Missouri farm family.

And my daddy is also the grandchild of Bonnie and Clyde, the son of another secret “love child,” born in Dallas and left with Bonnie’s mamma, Emma, to raise.

This means, Mrs. Crabby, that my family tree is sadly lacking important branches. However, my siblings and I seem to have turned out all right with no criminal leanings, though we are all remarkably good shots.

And this is not even my problem. My problem is that I have met a wonderful young man, Brian, who I love like crazy and we want to get married. But it turns out that he is adopted and has no idea who is actual birth parents are. Considering my strange ancestry, this fellow could be my first cousin! Or a fractional sibling! His adoption is from an area that refuses to unseal records, so we just don’t have a chance of learning who his birth parents are. Brian says we should just ignore it and let the sperm fall where it may! But I really need to know this before we begin our family.

We want to get married. As in really married – none of this two year contract crap for us. So, what should we do?

Please help,



Dear Hecuba,

Hon, you definitely have an issue with Brian. First of all, I congratulate you for facing up to your dilemma head on! This shows character strength for you! Though you might find, in later years, that Brian resents this, considering his apparent propensity for Egyptian living – by De-Nile.

If you stay with Brian, here are your options –

~Get married and do as Brian says – just have kids and risk that one or more may have huge ears and look like Prince Charles. I would recommend that you consult a doctor. I believe you can have paternity tests done on yourself and Brian to see if you are related. It’s not a guarantee, but it might put your loins at rest.

~Get married and adopt! So many children out there needing homes. And, with your luck, you may well get children who are actually related to you biologically!!

If it turns out that you are related according to a paternity test, then you have to decide from there. You are probably distant enough to legally marry. But I would recommend a good read of the series of books, “Flowers in the Attic”, to get a feel for this sort of life.

Best of luck to you, hon. You have a good head on your shoulders and I’ll bet you look nothing like Prince Charles!

I.B. Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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