Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I write to you as a colleague in marriage to ask your help and advice. Know that I am also praying to the Lord God Almighty for answers as well, and contacting you is to help me “over the hump” as it were, in the meantime.

Now, I am a very public figure who has been called to serve our Great Country, by God Himself, as it’s leader! I have done everything I’m supposed to do, as a good girl would, to make sure this happens! Especially since a demon poser from the south has recently risen up to declare himself God’s chosen one. I will fight this pretender with EVERYTHING available to me!!!!!!!!!

My first foray into this national contest and I won!! I won! I WON!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha….*ahem*. Which proves it is God’s will that I keep going. It is up to me, and me alone, to save this Great Country from being ridden into the Loins of Hellfire by the minions of the Evil One whose giant member throbs with lascivious desires……, er excuse me just a moment while I handle an important issue…….

OK, I’m back now….Back to my man. My husband. After I won this amazing contest, he just gave me a clammy handshake and a pat on the rump and said “good goin’.” Seriously? “Good Goin?” When I’ve just won (BY A LANDSLIDE BY THE WAY) the first step of this Holy Contest!!! Then he disappeared, again, for the rest of the afternoon, until the press conference. And when he did show up, he had this funny smile on his face. He’s been doing this a lot lately. Though he is in charge of my campaign and since he’s been on board, we are hiring the MOST talented people. Though curiously all men who have made my headquarters look absolutely gorgeous!

Now he is the reason I am doing this. As a good Christian wife, I submit to my man! In almost anything he asks of me. (I say almost, because I am just not comfortable wearing the Brooks Brothers suits and I don’t want to cut my hair. Though the wigs don’t bother me). He is the one who instructed me to go for this! OK, well he said “Sure, whatever you want,” after I told him he could take that month long fishing trip by himself.

How should I deal with this? It is starting to get embarrassing, especially when those evil, demonic left wing liberals make accusations that my husband is….I can’t even say it, I won’t dignify their slander…. less than all man.


God’s Little and Mighty Angel


Hon, you’d best get used to this from your man. It’s not going to change. The best you can do is to make sure he is as happy as can be, all the time. Which I guarantee he’s going to take care of anyway.

Meanwhile, as to your contest – you would be doing all of America a personal favor by making absolutely sure this fellow from “down south” doesn’t win the nomination. Seriously. That’d be just swell for the “contest.” *covers mouth with hankie to hide snickering*

And may I say, keep up the great work in your photos! Your eyes, as the windows to your soul, tell us all we need to know, hon!

I.B. Crabby


Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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