Dear Mrs. Crabby,

Oy! You will not believe the harshness of this. I have always known that people hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. I’ve had great success being a total idiot. I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

For 45 years, Mrs. Crabby, 45 years I have faithfully, diligently and brilliantly carried off this job and helped this company achieve stratospheric!…Stratospheeeeeerrrric success!!! And all I want is the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope. That’s all. Plus my paycheck.

This was going to be my last time doing this job. My very last time. After 45 years. Did I mention I’ve done this for 45 years? Yes. Oh. Fine. Anyway. I was going to make it BIG, Mrs. Crabby. Bigger than anyone has ever seen anywhere in this dimension or the 11 others we are supposed to inhabit, according to your Facebook post the other day, m’aam. And may I say you’re looking exceptionally fetching lately? Don’t tell Fenwick I said this. He’ll come beat me up. Even though I’m ancient and hurt everywhere.

Oh..Oh..OH…that’s the other thing. My health has been tough in the past, but you know, when I am onstage doing the work, adrenaline kills the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience. So they can’t use that as an issue. That’s just bull*BLEEP*.

My question? Oh yes. My question. To the point then….I have this press conference scheduled for the day after the event from which they unceremoniously and unfairly and un-everything else except un-derwear- fired me.

My question – would it be appropriate for me to wear a clown suit and a latex mask of the head of the group to the press conference?




Dear “T”erry,

Hon, your megalomania – however personally perceived as justified as may be – aside – after all the hard work and good things you have done in this venue, hon – you can wear whatever you want. You can do it naked if you’re so inclined. Goodness knows, you’ve earned that privilege.

I’m assuming you’re wanting to enact “The Day the Clown Cried?”

I say go for it, hon. And the folks will just have to shut up and suck it up!

Thanks for the compliment BTW. Fenwick sends his regards and is saving a nice cigar for when you visit. Even though neither of you can smoke them any more.

I.B. Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.