Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My boyfriend refuses to take me to doctor’s appointments when I need a ride. He says it makes him squeamish. This is so unfair, since he’s the one who beat me up and gave me the reason for the appointment. What should I do?


Harriet in Tuscaloosa

Dear HIT,

That’s dirty pool now, isn’t it? You could go for revenge and slash his tires or put ex-lax in his chocolate desserts, but that’s stooping to his level. Something more sleek and sophisticated will help you here.

The next time you need to go, call the police for a ride.


Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My sister is always taking my boyfriends away from me. Every time I bring one home to meet the family, she takes them aside, tells them God knows what and then lets them touch her boobs. What can I do?


Dolores Under Much Pressure

Dear DUMP,

Don’t bring them home next time. When you finally have to bring them home, tell them that your sister is on a home visit from the mental hospital where she lives for cutting off her last boyfriend’s penis. That should do the trick.


Dear Mrs. Crabby,

On this anniversary of September 11, I always get really sad and then really scared that something terrible is going to happen again. I’m afraid to go out. What can I do?


Hiding Under Bed,

Dear HUB,

Hon, it was a terrible thing. You are not unlike many people. Though most of us still go out. I can pretty much promise that terrible things are going to keep happening, because as a civilization we are not all that civilized. But you have to hold on to what is dear to you every day and never take it for granted. That’s what will get you out the door. Be it your family, your work, your love of alternative literature or an interesting fetish, just focus on what makes you happy. Then go out and share that happiness with others. That’s the best any of us can do.

IB Crabby



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