Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I have large feet. I can’t help it. My friends make fun of me and call them my “naval feet” because they say they are such giant boats. It’s really humiliating. I can’t help this. I tried wearing smaller shoes to disguise them, but then I get really painful blisters and ingrown toenails. Plastic surgeons say they do not have a “foot reduction” procedure, outside bunion surgery. But I just can’t persuade them that my toes are bunions.

How do I deal with the constant teasing?

I am an otherwise very attractive 5’2″woman.

What can I do?


Melissa in Maine


Dear MIM,

How frustrating to be noticed for a large part of your anatomy that is not at the chest level!!

I always say in circumstances like these, to turn these things into pluses. Make them an asset. You can use your difference to your advantage.

Buy and wear the most beautiful and noticeable shoes you can find. Accentuate your feet. Make everyone’s eye draw down to the floor to admire your gorgeous footwear. While this is happening, ask whoever is looking for anything you want from them. Chances are they will say yes because 1. they are distracted by the enormity of your feet; 2. they are mystified as to your choice of stand out footwear and 3. they feel a little guilty for being a creepy “voyeur” with an apparent foot fetish.

I predict that if you put this into practice you will get raises in salary, dates galore with desired suitors, favors and gifts beyond your dreams.

Sink those feelings of embarrassment and shame and turn your dogs into luxury cruise ships.

Best to you, hon!

IB Crabby

Harry Winston Ruby Slippers

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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