Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My sister fixed me up with Jared, who has been my boyfriend now for two years. We are very happy. At least we were. I just found out, after two years of being happy, that not only did my sister used to have sex with Jared, but they did really perverted things together. Like, he used to tie her up and gag her and pinch and slap her. Stuff like that.

I found out when Jared just let it slip. We were talking about rope burns from kids camp and he said “Well, when I used to tie your sister up…” And then it all came out. After two years, and he never told me any of this. And my sister! I just don’t know what to say to her.

Mrs. Crabby, please help me figure out what to do.


Susie in Kalamazoo


Dear SIK,

What a terrible thing this is! After so much time invested in this relationship, I can’t believe it. How did it take this long for you to find out? It is shameful that Jared withheld this from you for so long. Think of all the time you and Jared could have been having crazy fun sex, instead of the boring, same thing all the time.

And your sister has probably been thinking you’ve been doing exactly that all this time and she just wanted to share the fun. What a generous sister! You should thank her right away.

I suggest you forgive Jared, but only under the condition that the two of you make some changes in this direction in the bedroom. It’s only fair to give him another chance.

I portend exciting times ahead for you!

IB Crabby


Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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