Dear Mrs. Crabby,

This new cyclospora outbreak is giving me the willies! I love salad. I’m a health nut and I eat only fresh, healthy foods that I had thought were not contaminated with man-made garbage. Now there’s this bacterial thing. So, on top of pesticides and herbicides, I have to worry about parasites? I need to eat.

What is safe to eat any more? I don’t want to eat things that are going to eat me.


Starving and Worried


Dear SAW,

It’s something, isn’t it? We all have to eat, and now the grocery store has become a dangerous mine field of potential health hazards.

But fear not, my worried, hungry friend. There is a solution. We just have to adjust our sensibilities and silly ideas about weight.

The solution is to return to the safe, sanitized world of packaged foods! That’s right. You will never find any self-respecting protozoa living in SPAM or Velveeta! Just nutritional additives and unpronounceable chemicals. These additives are infused into packaged food for friendly reasons. Fumaric acid gives the food a sharper taste. Benzoate kills microorganisms. Propylene Glycol provides thickening and pleasing textures.Potassium Sorbate kills that pesky mold. Sulfites keep the food a pretty color, so you will want to eat it.

Now, of course, these chemical additives are often harmful as well. But, hons, they work much much much more slowly than the bacterial critters! And, while eating this food till you’re full will cause weight gain due to the added high fructose corn syrup and carb additives, you will live longer as a result than from ingesting brain or flesh-eating zombie bacteria from fresh foods! Pick your poison!

There’s a reason it’s called “fat and happy!” Though these days, one could rightfully amend this to “fat, feel crappy, but happy to still be alive!”

Next time you’re shopping at the grocery store, stay away from that critter filled produce section and fill up your basket with boxes and boxes of “faux food.” Processed cheese and faux meat dinners! Yum-Oh! I’ll see you all in the heart attack unit of the hospital when we’re 68. And while wheezing, at least we’re still breathing.

IB Crabby

Ummmm, healthy goodness!

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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