Cheater Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me. How can I make sure? And if she is cheating, should I dump her? I really love her an all, so I don’t really want to, but I don’t want to be a chump.


Hal in Portland



Dear HIP,

Here are some techniques that other readers have found successful. And often the source of great fun.

Buy a disguise, follow the woman, take photos. Send them to her in an unmarked manila folder with a note written in magazine cutout letters “I know what you’re doing. So will your boyfriend. More instructions to follow.” Then decide what you’d like her to do.

Have a friend knock on her door and pretend to deliver pizza, when you think someone else is over. Have a note in the box to her that’s really sweet, “Dear Sugar, Didn’t want you to go hungry tonight, so I had my cousin bring this by.” Tell the friend to do his or her best to see who’s in the apartment.

Rent a car, sit outside her place and surveil. When you see him in her window, call her and say, “Whatcha doin?” “I’m in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop in” and “Thought I’d call for a phone booty call,” and see what she does.

If you discover the other guy and know his car, leave a note with your number and ask him to call you. Say you want to compare notes and get some tips.

Or you could go the easy way and just ask. But I’ll tell you, you don’t really have to go to all this trouble. If you have to ask, then chances are she’s cheating. You’ll have different choices at that point.

The biggest choice is changing this woman’s designation from Ms. Right to Ms. Right Now, if you really are hung up on her. Just think of her as exercise and open up your options again. But don’t be a sleaze. Be honest and tell her what you’re doing. Otherwise karma will bitch slap you with a worse relationship. Just look at what’s happening with Anthony Weiner.

IB Crabby

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