BABY, IT’S HOT INSIDE

It’s wicked hot here at Chez Crabby, hons. I’ve read in the news that it’s probably wicked hot where you are as well. This is not my favorite time of year and it makes me promise to never complain about the cold weather again. But of course you know I will when it is fearfully cold.

To top it off, the Dollar A/C has broken down and we are in rooms with windows that do not open. It’s just awful, let me tell you. My hair is sweating.

Thankfully, we are a family that is not beaten easily by anything of man or nature! Nosirreebob. We meet every challenge with vigor, humor and, in Fenwick’s case, a lovely cigar.

I share with you, then, some of our more successful remedies for beating the heat.

~I pulled clothing from the closet with the most pockets and lined the pockets with saran wrap. I purchased several bags of ice from the local grocer and lined all our pockets with the ice cubes. I also did this with our underwear. Fenwick’s balls may indeed be blue as blue can be, but in this case, he is quite happy about it.

~We take turns standing in front of the fan and having the wind blow the cool from our icy clothes across the room. The only wrinkle was when Fenwick invited the widow Briggs from next door in to join us, because he liked the way the fan delineated her bustline when it was her turn to stand in front of the fan. She took offense, or perhaps was frustrated when she realized Fenwick just wanted to look, and left us for Boozy Bob across the hall.

~When we ran out of ice, we sat in the bathroom in our wet undies and told stories with a winter theme. I was quite impressed when Seymour acted out Jon Krakauer’s “Into Thin Air.” His death scene was magnificent.

~Now that the sun is going down, there seems to be a nice breeze outside. We have decided to have a lovely stroll, in our still wet clothes, and let the breeze cool us further. While we cannot afford to buy any ice cream, we enjoy watching others eat theirs. One couple seemed to get the wrong idea and slipped Fenwick their phone number, with a saucy wink, as they left the store.

~You can always take a trip to the mall, and enjoy their free air conditioning. And if you can score a table and chairs, you can have a place to sit and play pinochle until security comes to boot you out.

The trick is to not let the heat get to you. Well, of course it’s going to get to you, but don’t let it win! This is excellent practice for our future of global warming, hons! We have decades, perhaps centuries to look forward to, with extreme and stifling heat, as well as the rehashing of old-time summer blockbuster movie themes.

Be just like the amazing thermos. It knows when to keep hot things hot and cool things cool.

Chill,

IB Crabby

 

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