Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I have recently been diagnosed with AIWS (“Alice in Wonderland syndrome”). My doctor says it is probably because I just got over a bad case of mononucleosis because I don’t have a brain tumor.

Now I am very confused in the morning about which bread to have for toast. The whole grain wheat tends to make me very tall and not able to fit into my clothes, while the English muffin shrinks me so small that I can’t reach the dresser drawers.

Can you help me? Is there a toast I can eat for breakfast that won’t change my size? Oh yes, and do you think I should stop taking LSD?




Dear Alice,

What an interesting condition this is. AWIS usually goes away on its own after the teen years. If you’re in your teens, then you won’t have this for long.

But while you do, think of the benefits! No having to fret over what to wear on Halloween! You have a perfect excuse to speak in gibberish whenever you wish to. And you need no other excuse to wear adorable white tights with Mary Jane shoes. And now you have a perfect reason to add those lawn flamingos to your yard that look so stylish and chic! How lucky are you, hon?

As to your first dilemma, there is a perfect and obvious solution. Just make half of each kind of toast and bite into both at the same time, thus causing one to cancel out the other.

Don’t forget to enjoy it with a lovely cup of tea.

And, yes, I’d pass by the LSD for the nonce. Though you might enjoy getting a lovely rabbit pet.

A very merry unbirthday to you, hon!

IB Crabby

Telethon photo

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.