YOU CAN ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My roommate is starting to really bug me. We’ve shared an apartment for two years, no problem, but lately she is getting really lazy and rude. It might be this new boyfriend she’s got. I think she is wanting me to move out and him to move in. But my name is on the lease and my money is the security deposit, so that won’t happen. It’s a really cool place and I’m not giving it up.

I’m really bugged because she stopped doing her share of the chores, like the dishes. She’s a green freak and says she is saving water. She’s stopped taking the trash out on her day. Plus she’s leaving all her sex toys out in the bathroom and in front of the TV after her boyfriend is over. I walked in with my mom one day and had to explain that they weren’t mine, and no, I’m not dating a cop. Now my mom doesn’t want me living with her. Actually I don’t either. But we have a deal.

I can kick her out after another 6 months, but what do I do till then?

Signed,

Bugged and Mad

 

Dear BAM,

This can happen between not only the best of friends, but lovers who cohabit as well. Not to worry, hon. You just need to learn some handy manipulation tricks.

First, remember to never address any issue directly. Remember when your mom would say “Pick up your room!” What’s the last thing you would do? That’s right. It’s the same thing here.

First off, with the dishes, announce to your roommate that she has inspired you, and you want to thank her for this. Tell her from now on, you will also never wash another dish. Go out and buy a personal supply of paper and plastic goods to use and toss out. Tell her you’d offer to buy some for her, but “the environment and all,” and nod wisely. She’ll wash dishes when there are no more to use.

The extra paper and plastic will, of course, increase your trash volume. With this one, you stop taking the trash out as well. Line the walls and hallways with the full bags and see how long it takes for them to accumulate before she does something. Buy some colored Sharpies and draw cartoons on the bags. Tell your roommate that this is your new art hobby. “Trash cartoons.”

Make household organizers with the sex toys. With handcuffs, attach one cuff to a bar in the kitchen or bathroom and use the other cuff as a towel holder. Use any whips to tie your curtains back. And if she has a dildo, depending on the size, you might attach it to the kitchen wall and use it as a utensil holder. Use your imagination! Make sure to thank her for her “wacky” decorating ideas and contribution to the apartment’s ambience.

Make everything she does or doesn’t do that is annoying into a positive for you. One of two things will happen. She will either pack up and move quickly, or you will end up better friends than before. Either way, you will no longer be annoyed. In fact, I would even wager that you’ll have so much fun doing this, you’ll seek out future roommates who are equally annoying.

Best of luck!

IB Crabby

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