Dear Cobra Man in Phoenix,
Hon, you are not turning into a snake. It sounds like a bad case of eczema. Go see a dermatologist and stop trying to pick up women by hissing at them with your pants unzipped.
Dear Saratoga Sue,
In my experience, the best way to get blood out of carpet is to not get it there in the first place. If you can’t afford to change the rug, get some red fabric paint and a stencil of hearts or fruit or something red and create a patterned rug.
Dear Phil in Bozeman,
No, I don’t believe that it’s aliens who are dressing your dairy cows up as clowns in the middle of the night. It’s June. Sounds like a graduation prank by local teens. Though I would enjoy some photos, if you have a minute.
Dear Molly in Fresno,
While a rejuvenating Czech beer bath might not heal what ails you, I would bet that the more you drink, the less you will care.
Dear Brianna in Evanston,
No, hon, a French Fry Party is not an appropriate theme for a toddler girl’s birthday. Wait till high school, when she’s learned out how to throw up after eating.
Dear Walter in San Francisco,
A snake massage sounds intriguing, though it would not be to my taste. And I believe you were prudent to leave beforehand when you heard the rattling noise.
And finally, hons, the thought for the day. Being born pretty is, statistically speaking, as much a freak of nature as being born with a hunchback or other such deformity.