SLIP SLIDING AWAY

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I have been single, beset with the duties of child raising three glorious kids, as well as looking after my mom and her older twin brothers, for many years. I have not had any time in over a decade to date, or even have coffee with girlfriends.

Six months ago my last child was off to college and my mom and her brothers are happily ensconced in a lovely home where they can argue all day over who ate the last tapioca. Free at last, I joined some social groups and in short order I was lucky enough to meet Stephan. He is the man of my dreams, Mrs. Crabby. I am smitten like a teenaged girl. And he seems just as smitten with me. 

Here’s my trouble. I have not been “busy” in certain ways for a very long time. I suspect that there might be cobwebs to clear. In the meantime, I also find that my interest in such matters has increased to surprisingly high levels. Recently, in the grocery store, the shelf stocker had to tap me on the shoulder and ask if I was all right as I had been standing in front of the cucumbers for ever so long, holding one fondly and quietly singing to myself. I had no idea!

That embarrassment is bad enough, but there is one other….issue…that is causing me more consternation. It is of a very private nature, Mrs. Crabby so please do not use my real name. Since meeting Stephan, I have to change my underthings twice, sometimes three times a day. I can’t wear slacks any more because it soon becomes obvious that I have something going on. I can only wear skirts now, and sometimes I have to forego wearing any underthings at all, which just makes me more agitated. If you know what I mean.

Stephan and I have been seeing each other for a month now, twice a week, but I think of him all the time. Especially when preparing salad. When is it considered decent nowadays for people to “get busy” with each other without being considered a tawdry slut?

Waiting anxiously for your reply,

Sally

 

Dear Sally,

Hon! You poor dear. Please go and sally forth immediately! Next time you see Stephan, grab that fella by the ears and take him to town. If you know what I mean. Nowadays there is a tacit agreement among many of a “three date rule.” Meaning, after two dates, if all indications are sanguine, the third date is permissible for christening the relational ship. If you know what I mean. And you may do so under the auspices of decency, holding your reputation upright and unstained. Sheets permitting.

It sounds like you and Stephan are ready to go! Considering your current physical state, I would recommend that you plan an entire weekend of frolic, perhaps even extending into the week, work schedule permitting, to take the edge off. If you both perform satisfactorily, or say spectacularly, you may find this pattern necessary for a month or two before tapering off to two or three times a day. Unless you are one of the rare lucky ones who find more is better than less.

If rigorous relations do not assuage your symptoms, then instead of advice I will stand back and applaud that you have found a very special fellow indeed. There are soul mates some people find, where you bask in the glow of someone’s presence and being, connected immediately. But the very rare finds are those with whom you not only connect with spiritually, emotionally and psychically, but also at the crotch. Hon, those are the ones you stick to like glue as long as you can. And it sounds like you have not only met one of these, but have opened the glue factory as well! Good for you.

Your body will cut back production, so to speak, after given a more appropriate venue for application, on a regular basis.

As to your good reputation, ask yourself this question – at the end of the day what is more important to you? The good opinion of people you will probably only know superficially all your life, or the full and joyful expression of your best self in all aspects – including physical – in the gifted amount of time you have above ground, still able to move about in a skin suit?

I say go for it, girl!

IB Crabby

Soooo sweet

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Tell Mrs. Crabby all!