PUSHING UP MISS DAISY?

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am very worried about Uncle Billy. He is my favorite Uncle and I really hope I am wrong.

Aunt Marla died scandalously last year. I say scandalously because she had one of those out of the blue major heart attacks and died instantly. But at the time, she was not just with another man. She was having “relations” with two other men, one of them a neighbor, in a kid’s treehouse! Fortunately it was during a school day and no kids were there. But still, it took the fire department and a hired crane to get her out of the treehouse. Everyone knew. Poor Uncle Billy was grievously shamed.

Since then, Miss Crabby, he has been like a man on a mission. He has been dating every single single woman he meets. He’s an attractive 58-year-old man with a great job as a lactation consultant. Single women love a man with a job these days. Plus, Uncle Billy knows his boobies.

I am concerned because he will date a woman for a couple of weeks and then *POOF*, she disappears. When I ask Uncle Billy what happened he will hem and haw suspiciously and mumble something like “bad timing,” or “she met …another fellow,” always with that pause before “another.” It’s unsettling. It happens so consistently. There have been five so far in the past three months!

One day I happened into Billy’s back yard. Out of the blue, and noticed five new rose bushes that he’s planted willy nilly. They seem to be planted on top of “bumps” that look disturbingly grave sized. When I asked Uncle Billy about this, he snapped at me, “Man’s gotta have a hobby!”

I immediately wondered if that new hobby is just to cover up a darker hobby.

Should I do something, Mrs. Crabby? I’m very worried. Although, Uncle Billy seems to be happier. He even whistles as he gardens.

Concerned in Concord

 

Dear CIC,

What a sweetie you are to care so for your Uncle Billy! He is a lucky fellow.

First of all, in the absence of hard evidence, you are merely looking at coincidences. So many mistakes have been made in the face of coincidences, some of them historical. Here’s a not so historical coincidence from Cracked.com where a fellow and his brother were both killed by the same taxi driver while riding the same moped, one year apart. This is just coincidence. Bizarre, true. But nothing to hang any kind of criminal tort onto.

If you are seriously concerned, the only thing you can do is to sneak into your uncle’s yard when he is not looking and take some core samples of the dirt under the rose bushes. Then send them out for testing. If they come back positive for human remains, then you have some more difficult decisions to make.

If he is really trying to assuage his anger and grief over losing his wife so horrendously by taking it out on innocent others, this will come out. I think it’s just a coincidence. Always remember that whistle blowers tend to be despised in the end and no good deed goes unpunished.

And, truly, a fellow needs a hobby.

IB Crabby

Hmmmm

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