Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I have had the most difficult time finding a boyfriend who is physically compatible and capable of keeping up with my highly charged libido. It really is surprising to me that most men talk a good game, but really aren’t capable of keeping up with my energy and desire to go a few hours. I was lucky to find stamina lasting more than 10 minutes with men on those dating sites. It’s true that dating sites are full of so-called horny men looking for booty calls and serial dates disguising themselves as candidates for “long-term relationships.” But, believe me, I have gone through most of the ones in my age group and their candles are either wick-challenged or wick-less. Then there are the ones who fall asleep right after they’ve had their fun, leaving me shamefully unfinished.

My gay friends don’t have this problem, because they enjoy success more honestly in real life than straights do. Which is an interesting commentary on love in the 2000’s. But I digress.

Finally, after going to a younger dating site demographic, I finally met Lloyd.

Lloyd and I are perfectly suited physically. He has the stamina, though perhaps not the finesse, but so far he seems agreeably teachable.

Here’s the problem, Mrs. Crabby. I wouldn’t mind that he’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but he just won’t shut up. He blathers on and on and on about things gossipy girls usually go on about. His family politics. Uncle Henry has a new girlfriend, but she’s got a “past” and the family is ashamed and won’t invite her to barbecues; his mother can’t get rid of her urinary tract infection; his sister wears too much makeup and buys too many shoes. Yada yada yada….all the time from the moment he enters my door. The only time he will shut up is while he is busy with me. But immediately after, it starts up again. If I hear another litany on how the neighbor’s dog keeps digging up his father’s prized rose bushes and Grandpa farts all through dinner, I think I will scream.

It’s taken just forever to find someone I enjoy carnally on a consistent basis. Do you have any suggestions on how I can persuade Lloyd to be quiet?


Longing for Quiet


Dear LFQ,

Count your blessings and get yourself a pair of these. I’m sure Lloyd will not even notice that you aren’t listening while you just smile and nod.

IB Crabby

I can't hear you

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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