Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I hope you can help me. I am miserable. I met this amazing woman at the grocery store. She is so beautiful and nice. She dropped an avocado and I picked it up and gave it to her. That’s when I knew it was God’s will that she and I be together, right after I noticed that she was not wearing a wedding or engagement ring.

I cleverly negotiated my cart up and down the aisles so that I would run into her face on. And every time, I struck up a conversation, using the food aisle we were in to woo her. For instance, in the peanut butter aisle I said “here we are, stuck together again!” And I knew she felt the same when she would laugh. And then give me chase!

So I followed her home and saw where she lived. There was a house to rent across the street, so I rented that and watched she and her kids so I would know when to walk my dog to “run into” them.

Finally I asked her out on a date. I told her that she and I have so much in common, I could tell from the grocery store. And that while I never had kids, I have lots of experience with kids and could coach their sports teams if she would let me. But you know what she said? She said “No, I’m seeing someone and it’s getting serious.” I can respect that, so I gave her God’s blessing and the next Sunday sent her a good scripture on marriage. Then I sat in my new front room to see who this fellow was and if he was good enough for my special lady.

A nice looking fellow driving a BMW showed up and escorted Sherrie for the evening. Then, you can’t imagine my shock when three different fellows over the next three nights showed up to escort her out to who knows where. With one fellow, she did not come back until the next morning! Thank the Lord her mama lives with her, so her kids would not be abandoned. I almost called the police until I saw the old lady come out to chase my dog off of her lawn. Fortunately she did not see me hiding in the bushes when I was on my “look through the window patrol.”

Because I know it’s God’s will for Sherrie and I to be together, I left her a note in her mailbox saying “Why are you catting around with other men if you are seeing someone? If I was seeing someone, I would just go out with them. What is your problem?” I watched with my new Kowa High Lander binoculars as she read the note. I could tell it hit home when she looked directly at my house, like she knew where the voice of God had come from.

But she has still not marched up to my door to claim me as her husband. I know she lied to me about the “seeing someone.” She’s seeing everyone! Except me!

How do I help her mend her ways? Should I entice her into my house and tie her up until God’s light reaches her dark heart? Or would more corporal punishments be in order? I have the gear from my last girlfriend.

What do you recommend?

Ever yours,



Dear Charles,

Words fail me here. Thank you for including your home address on the return envelope. I imagine you have been visited by some very helpful authorities at this point. Now, don’t be angry with me. I told them that you are my nephew, so that they would go out and help you.

I am hoping the meds have kicked in by now.

You need to stop using religion and the Bible as a weapon and excuse to exercise every whim and crazy idea that floats through your head. Just because schools, the government and your mother do it is no excuse! God doesn’t even do that. Not even churches use the Bible much any more. 

People have free choice. Though Lord knows the government is trying to tax as much of that as they can. Sherrie chose to tell you a little fib to spare your feelings. And probably to help keep you at bay, because you are a crazy man. Totally wackadoodle, hon. Also, she has kids and a mom to protect as well. Apparently she can do this just fine without a man in the house. So, leave the girlfriend alone.

You do need a woman, because you are a crazy man. Totally wackadoodle. I recommend you find a foreign bride in an offshore online catalogue. You should have no trouble finding this. They will be compliant and totally dependent upon you. This kind of relationship could last you at least a couple of years until they learn enough English to call a cab. Then go get another one. I had a neighbor once who did this until he was 94 years old and it never failed him.

Accept that you’re a nutter and that other people’s free God-given choice will just about always include not being anywhere near you and your corporal punishment gear.

Suck it up, hon.

IB Crabby



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