BY THE HAIR OF MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

What is the best way to remove unwanted hair? I have very sensitive skin and I have begun to produce wiry, curly hair in inappropriate places. Such as above my knees, around my breasts and along my chin and inside my lip. This has just started happening since we moved to Newtown Creek last year.

Thanks,

Bearded Lady

 

Dear Bearded Lady

In today’s exciting modern age, where our culture not only provides the means for unpleasant conditions, but a myriad of cures, it’s nice to know that you have choices.

First of all, there is waxing. Even men are undergoing these treatments. Extremely hot wax is applied to your hirsute areas, covered by a sticky cloth. When the wax has cooled the right amount, the cloth is ripped from your skin, pulling out all that unwanted hair. The upside is that the hair does not grow back for a very long time, and repeated treatments tend to stop further growth. The downsides are the burns, ripped off skin and rashes, if you are sensitive. Oh yes, and the pain. The excruciating, soul sucking pain. I would recommend that you perform a test on a skin patch before proceeding. A skin patch test on your husband would be best.

Next there are the cream and chemical depilatories. As this article shows, the upsides are that it is fast, cheap and easy. And the downsides are the chemical burns,¬†especially if you have sensitive skin. I’d stay away from these. I tried them once and it took six months to get the smell off of Fenwick. Plus all our indoor plants died. Even the silk ones.

The most repetitive and time-consuming solutions are shaving and tweezing. I would not recommend tweezing hair from inside your lip. That would hurt. Perhaps eating super hot chili peppers might work there.

The best advice I can give is that you wait just a bit. I am sure that your neighbors and other townspeople will soon be growing hair right along with you, and then you can form a tribe with unique identifying characteristics. That’s how I would turn this lemon into lemonade. Be creative. Bleach and dye the hair different colors. Make it fashionable by holding exclusive celebratory events, HPO (hairy people only). Film some fun YouTubes and watch them go viral. If you do this right, you could create a craze that sweeps the nation! I’ll bet you could even get the financial support of chemical, petroleum and other industrial companies behind you! It will give them a more socially acceptable cachet when they go to dump their byproducts into sewers and facilities located near human habitation.

Sometimes the friendliest solution to a problem requires thinking outside the box, hon. Meanwhile, until it becomes fashionable, you can always wear this:

 

Best of luck,

IB Crabby

I'm ready for my close-up!

No hair here!…Today

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