Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am going to turn 60 years old this month. This is a huge birthday for me. My friend calls it entering “the youth of my old age.”

Over the course of my life so far, I have created events and celebrations for family and friends, for their birthdays. Surprise parties, planned parties, catered events – happy occasions. I have done this out of love and care for the celebrants. I have had one “surprise” party in my life, planned when my mother asked me what I wanted for my 18th birthday. I said a “surprise” party. She asked me who to invite. I planned it and then my mother prepared food that I am allergic to because she “forgot.” We sat around and watched me break out in boils and turn red.

I am not a mean person. I love people. I try to help others where I can. But things that have happened to me, make no sense. I’ve been mysteriously stuck in blizzards, hurricanes, and other weather anomalies. Twice bought the “home of my dreams” only to be saddled with felonious neighbors who either sued me over nothing or tried to break into my house to kill me. Things like this happen all the time, through no fault or invitation of my own. It makes no sense.

Since that 18th party, all my milestone birthdays have gone unnoticed and uncelebrated and blown off. I was supposed to have a 50th party, and did have a little one, but the person who said she’d plan the big one, forgot.

Now I am about to turn an age I never expected to reach. I don’t know why, but this birthday is a big deal to me. Maybe it’s the culmination of the neglect of years past or maybe it’s because I am about to enter a new phase of my life without having hit most of my personal life goals. Or more accurately aimed at and missed them completely.

When I turned 26 I organized a party for myself. This was a fun party. My first ex-husband attended as well as three ex-boyfriends. It was good fun. Maybe that’s the lesson for me. I am the only one who will take care of me in my life. But that is so damned depressing and I don’t know if I want to stick around for that.

What do you recommend to help me get through this heinous month and to the other side, relatively unscathed.


Older Than Dirt Oughta Be



Hon, I can’t tell you why this is, but in your case it is clear. In lifetimes, some folks have to be the statue and others get to be the pigeons. You are a statue. You must have been a real shit in a past lifetime. That’s the only explanation I have for this kind of thing, and that is a problem above my pay grade. I mean if your own mother can’t remember this stuff.

Most of us get to 60 with enough friends and family to make us a party. Apparently you have issues. I can’t help you there. You’ll likely need a therapist, a life coach, perhaps a makeover too. Hard to say.

Meanwhile, to get through this birthday, first check your point of view at the door, hon. It’s a birthday like any other birthday, which is a day like any other day. Perhaps you should once again plan your own party with yourself. Book yourself a suite in a hotel and buy yourself a bottle of your favorite libation. On your birthday, check into your room and bring a suitcase full of your lifetime’s photos. Celebrate yourself with yourself. Watch movies, cry, have a giant cheeseburger with fries. Or whatever you like. Make a list of all the good things from your life and try to celebrate those. Look at those life goals you have hit and make huge deals of them. Huge. So they blot out your spectacular misses.

Things will likely never change for you. Though, for karmic insurance, I’d keep up the being helpful to others. Because you don’t want to have to go through this again. On this planet anyway.

IB Crabby

Oh my!

Oh my!

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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