Dear Irmagarde,

I have been reading your site for some time now. Interesting, your point of view. You seem to view carnal connection as a solution to everything from marital discord to plantar’s warts. Which, while I find to be pruriently simplistic, is probably a marketing ploy on your part to increase your readership. Though I am at a loss to understand how, as you do not seem to have any advertising connections of an apparent nature. Perhaps you get some quid pro quo from linkage in your posts. I don’t know. And I have tried to find this out.

I am writing you today to offer my unsolicited advice regarding your physical appearance. As a business professional, I have some insight into what would be considered a more appealing and professional mien to attract a wider readership, and thus, perhaps, a deeper resource of background advice material for those with more important needs. Which would generate more much needed income for us you. 

To the point then. First up is your hair. It’s salt and pepper grey. While your face is reasonably pleasant, grey hair does not work on women in the marketplace. There was a lovely young newscaster in Los Angeles who had a white streak in her hair. She was wisely counseled by someone (thank goodness!) to dye her hair and now look at her here. What an improvement. Plus the added cosmetics and weight loss really helped to keep her more visibly interesting.

This said, you are advised to dye your hair. I’m thinking a lovely platinum blonde color, much like the color of my ex-wife’s hair. That would be nice. And then grow it out and wear it longer. You’ll look years younger.

Next is your makeup. You are not wearing enough rouge. You look far too pale in your photos. And maybe some false eyelashes would spark up your eyes. They are an interesting algae color. Maybe some matching eyeshadow as well. The blue eyeshadow is too reminiscent of the ’70’s. And darker lipstick, certainly. The bright color screams of a vampiric splash of after bite. Though I must say, it is rather erotic.

Then your style sense. Far too Church Lady meeting over the top. I would suggest something lower cut. You need to get to Victoria’s Secret immediately for one of these. I can see you are a woman of small to medium breast, carrying much on the side. They can help you with that. And perhaps a slimming garment to hold in your waistline overage. Then some lovely black and silky clothing would be perfect. With a string of pearls. And some lovely thong underwear.

These changes will surely give you the viral response on your website that you are longing for. They will certainly enhance my view.

Think about it.


A Concerned Fan


Dear Fenwick,

(My previous answer was not very nice. Here is the revised version) Hon, it’s like you’re looking into a mirror. Just remember which side of your pillow is fluffed. So to speak.

We’ll negotiate this over a lovely dinner. Your treat.

IB Crabby


Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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