Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am a late fifty-something single woman of independent financial means. My kids are off to college and I am ready to play the field again! So I joined up on a free dating site. When I wasn’t married to one of my four husbands, I always had a boyfriend. This last husband lasted longer than most and I’ve been busy getting my kids out the door the last four years, so it’s been awhile since I have taken a dip in the dating pool.

Lordy, Mrs. Crabby, things have changed. I am guessing that a number of potential suitors have kicked the bucket and narrowed the field of eligibles considerably. Plus the women will walk over your dead and crow eaten corpse to get to an upright, dressed, breathing man of age with a job.

When I finally got a few dates, two of the five told me I was too grey and too fat and they just could not understand why I would not starve myself into a Barbie size and chemically burn my scalp to have artificially colored hair. One expected me to give him oral sex in his car because he paid for my hamburger. Maybe after a steak dinner. With dessert. And the fourth guy told me he’d keep me in mind, but he wants to go through every single.solitary.woman on the site before making up his mind. The fifth guy stood me up.

Here is what I look like:



I may not look like a model, but I am fun and I believe I’m a snappy dresser!

I feel like I am interviewing for a job in a market that no longer has any need or desire for me! This is so stupid. I cook like a chef, I’m funnier than Phyillis Diller on a good night and I can rock a man between the sheets to the point he never wants to leave the bed. No, I do not look like a movie star. But when I love someone, I will shower them with affection, attention, care and a lifetime of hot monkey sex. I really don’t understand why I have to go to the trouble of looking like Mila Kunis, when Mila Kunis doesn’t even look like Mila Kunis in real life.

What are your wise tips for older agers like me dating? I just want to find a good man to make happy the rest of our lives. Meanwhile, I’m burning daylight here wearing out my hand maiden taking care of my hot desires.




Dear Wanda,

It’s a colder world out there when you are a woman of a certain age, that’s for sure now.

The good news is that this can work in your favor as it culls out the shallow Hals, asshole Arnolds and cheap Chucks. It will take longer for you to find this hunk of lifetime burnin’ love, but you sound like just the gal to hold him when she gets him.

Do you have access to video filming equipment, hon? I’d suggest finding your past beaus and filming a documentary of them giving your attributes high praise and telling the camera why they loved you so. If you can get them to express regret for letting you go, even better. Emphasis on your gifts between the sheets is especially helpful. E-mail this prior to your second date. 

Be direct. State upfront that you know your shortcomings may be of a physical nature. But that’s where they stop. Then indicate boldly that your other attributes will more than make up for this, but don’t say what they all are. Be mysterious. Whatever you do, do not become their “friend.” Kiss of death.

You’re going to find that most of these exceptionally good-looking single women scooping up the men are nuttier than fruitcakes. If they were indeed “all that,” they would not have been let go to begin with. Unless they are widowed. But that’s just a percentage of them. It’s a numbers game for you too, hon.

Don’t despair. Keep trying. You will find the right man. Meanwhile, may I suggest this to get you through: pink butterfly. It doesn’t need a home cooked dinner and won’t stand you up, unless you’re out of batteries. It will help steady you through the rough dating seas. Rather like a tiller. With a pulsing bulbous tip. *ahem* Excuse me now, I need to go find Fenwick.

Best of luck,

IB Crabby

Soooo sweet

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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