Dear Mrs. Crabby,
I am having the scariest thing happen. I hope you have good advice for me.
Ok, so like, my girlfriend set me up with her hot cousin. She didn’t want to do it, because she says he has huge emo issues. But I didn’t care, because I knew I could win him over and help him fix all that. So, like, she sets us up at Easter dinner at her house and we zoom in on each other, like it is meant to be.
But it so wasn’t meant to be. You know? He really does have huge EMO issues. He expected that we would be getting married after our second date! He didn’t even ask. Just took it for granted and started introducing me to his friends as his future wife. Then I caught him with my phone deleting all the address entries with men’s names, including my father, my two brothers and my gynecologist! So wrong.
The clincher was when he threw out all my sexy lingerie and said I wouldn’t need it any more because my “hot little body” belonged to him now. Ewwww! That lingerie was expensive. Plus the pure silk crotchless panties were a gift from my high school boyfriend.
I was really nervous about breaking up with him, so I started by tweeting “Big mistake! Not into you any more. Please go away.” And that didn’t work. He thought I was talking about my philosophy professor.
So I started texting him the same message back whenever he would text me. I would say “I don’t think I’m woman enough for you, sweetie. Better to move on now.” And “Let’s be good friends. I think the lovelight blew out.” After this he signed us up for couples counseling and when I refused to go, he said I was in denial.
Finally I looked him in the eye over our Skype conversation and said “We’re done! No more! I am not dating you any more.” What does he do? He sent two dozen red roses and paid off my car.
How do I break up with this guy?
Hon, this is a pickle to be sure! Remember that old saying “be careful what you wish for?” Well, you got your wish. And something tells me it won’t be going away soon.
The best advice I can give you is to move, change your name, change your phone number, lose the friend who set you up (though she DID warn you.), dye your hair and have bone extensions surgically installed in your legbones to make you taller.
Remember this experience the next time you’re hot to meet someone you don’t know naturally by the organic unfolding of your life or an online dating site.
Though it must be really nice to have your car paid off.