HOW DO I TELL HER?

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am having some girlfriend trouble and I hope you can help me. I met Lois on an online dating site. I saw from her picture that she was the one for me. She is so pretty. We exchanged e-mails for a week and then met for coffee.

I could tell she was head over heels for me because she played that classic flirty game of “c’mon/stop.” Every time I would run my hand up her thigh she grabbed it and said “don’t” which we all know means “more.” Then she made a game of telling me where she lives. She ran to her car and got stuck on purpose behind a slow turner so I could catch up. She turned down so many streets to get home, but I managed to keep up and found her place. Such a little tease!

She is my next true love. But I need to figure out how to get into her house to tell her this. Her house is more challenging than my last girlfriend’s. She has double paned windows, an alarm system and a giant dog. My last girlfriend did similar after seeing rope, a shovel and a tent in my trunk, which really pissed me off, especially since it was for an awesome camping trip planned for us.

What is your advice for getting into her house? If I can just do that, I’ll be able to tie her up long enough to show her that I am her true soulmate.

Signed,

Lovesick Hal

 

Dear Hal,

Hon, you need another hobby. This one is not working for you. Not to mention the chance you will end up doing a different kind of courting that involves some jail time.

But if you can’t find your way to mental health, then you’re going to have to get very clever.

Everyone has regular habits and schedules. Find out what hers are and make a list of service providers who would legitimately gain access to her home. Then pose as one. You’ll need a wig, glasses, maybe a fake mustache. If you have a mustache, then shave it off.

This might well get you in. But, hon, you have to promise me that when she tells you no after this, you will listen and stop.

You seem to have an obsessive nature. And, to be fair, this may just be who you are and help will not help. I suggest that you might want to find different pursuits that don’t involve other people to pour your heart into until you can manage more boundary appropriate interactions. Just a thought. You sound like you enjoy the outdoors. Perhaps a career with the forestry service is for you. Look into it.

Whatever you do, hon, just remember that Mrs. Crabby is short of bail money.

IB Crabby

Surrrrrre

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