Dear Mrs. Crabby,

There is a new fellow at work who is extremely good-looking and has captured my interest. I’ve never felt such desire for someone. It’s quite daunting. I always thought only men had these feelings. I have to meditate twice as much now to hold myself together. Then I see him again and, oh dear, the only way I can put this is that he sets my woman cave aquiver into a pulsing maw of hunger. *ahem*

Anyway, here’s the problem. He does not speak much English. He is from Jamaica and I don’t understand much of what he says. But his voice is so rich and smooth and juicy that I am in danger of melting away before I know what’s really going on.

I don’t believe in promiscuity and expect a committed relationship before diving into a pleasure pool of hot monkey sex. But he is just so delicious. I’m tormented. It’s worse that I can’t understand a single word he says.

Being sensible in all things, till now (I wear hush puppy shoes, floss twice a day and wear protective panty liners), I thought I would ask you if you can translate what Badrick said to me this morning. Here it is:

“Me gyalis honey, breathe easy. Me deh pon a endz for fulljoy likin’ a goodaz, naah mean? Dat was a shot n’ crawful.” or some such. If he’s not interested in me specifically, then what should I say back?

Thanks Mrs. C.,

Yolanda with a Yen


Dear Yolanda,

Here is a rough translation of what he said, hon:

“I’m a guy who loves many women, don’t worry. I went out for fun with a hot sexy woman, know what I mean? It was fabulous and outrageously good.”

It sounds like he is a player. It also sounds like you are not ready for a guilt free romp with no strings attached. And that’s just fine. You must be true to yourself. I have a two-step plan for you.

First, tell Badrick this:
“Tun up, Do yu ting, hon. Me no ben. Me level and no wanna live a luu. Just gonna hol’a meds here now. Being hataz my own self finding me own doops.”

Which is, roughly translated:
“That’s great, hon. I’m cool. I’m calm and sure don’t want to spoil your fun. I’m just hanging here for now. I’m hot and sexy myself and can make my own friends.”

Then go out to Adam & Eve (suggestion, not endorsement) and buy one of their fine products. Name it Badrick and have lots of fun with it at home. One of two things will happen. Either you will get over your obsession with Badrick and be satisfied, for now, with taking care of yourself (Though be careful not to over-do. There is nothing worse than walking and sitting with painful vibrator chafe). Or, you will get more worked up and find a way to jump the fellow, guilt-free, and discover for yourself if there was really any fire under the heat. Either way, you’ll have a grand time.

IB Crabby


Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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