FAIR FIGHTING IN MARRIAGE

It’s hard to believe when you are moving through the heat and blush of romance that this wondrous and magical person who lights your world will turn into a small-minded, selfish, clueless idiot at some point in the future. Some even on the wedding night. I believe that the legend of werewolves came from this phenomenon.

It’s even harder to imagine that this small-minded, selfish, clueless idiot will be you too at some point or other. Hopefully without the werewolf hair. Unless you like that sort of thing.

Those of you who have been there and back are nodding sagely at this point. Perhaps rubbing a remembered sore spot where a newspaper smacked you, or a book was thrown at you. Or the memory of a particularly nasty insult making your heart ache. Those who have not been there are protesting vigorously, to our amusement.

Whichever you are, it’s a good thing to keep the following list handy so when tempers flare and tensions run high, you’ll be reminded to try to keep things fair and move to a happier resolution.

First you must decide what your expectation of a happy resolution will be. Here are some ideas –

~ Gifts. The more expensive the better. If your spouse cannot afford expensive gifts monetarily, then expensive in terms of time, energy or doing something completely repugnant to them, that you love. Like going to church on Sunday. Or watching a basketball game. Or watching that chick flick together.

~ Huge and impassioned apologies. Admission of what a troglodyte they were, perhaps even taking out a full-page ad in the paper. And performance of really unpleasant chores as penance. Chores such as cleaning the rain gutters. Or detailing the car. Or cleaning grandma’s earwax out.

~ Wild and glorious sex, trying all those new positions you’ve fantasized about, without your hips locking up. With your spouse or their hot friend. Or both. Obviously, naked.

If you do any of the above, remember that they are far more effective when done naked. Naked can be a helpful element in spousal arguments. You might try making it a rule that if there is to be an argument, you must shuck all your clothes first. Maybe even take a sharpie and draw angry faces on your body and have them argue. Make yourself a human puppet.

If you are inhibited about this, argue with sock puppets. Have the puppet say what you want. This helps loosen many tongues. And zippers.

Or, argue with tequila shots. Set a timer for each side to get 30 seconds to make your point, then you both down a shot. Then it’s your partner’s turn. If it’s a big enough issue, you’ll be plastered soon enough and won’t remember what the fight was about, as you companionably share the toilet, puking your guts out. Again, hopefully naked.

These are just a very few tips. Be inspired and come up with your own techniques, more suited to yours and your spouse’s temperament. Though I highly encourage naked. Fenwick and I have found enormous success with this added highlight. Plus it’s often good for a big laugh as we watch our various older parts jiggle about humorously while we gesticulate in anger. This breaks tension like nobody’s business.

Then again, arguing clothed, but in the bedroom, with sexy music playing, can also lead to angry sex, which is also a good result. This should not be discounted.

Whatever you do, make a promise to yourself that you will work out differences one way or another. Sure, you can promise your beloved, but this promise is more meaningful if you make it to yourself and your peace of mind. Love is something you do for yourself. Then it gets much bigger and more fun when you share it with your sweetie.

Naked.

IB Crabby

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