Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My older sister is dating this hot looking senior. She believes he is totally into her and wants to spend his every waking moment at our house because of this.

Honey, let me tell you, he’s not all that into her. When she thinks he’s going to the bathroom, he comes into my room for some hot, steamy quickies. I don’t mind, because he is really hot looking, but I am starting to feel guilt pangs because in a sense we are both cheating on her. And I love my sister. She is awesome. Except for her eyebrows. They need a whole lot of work.

How do I tell my sister that her boyfriend likes me more. And he’s gay.




Dear Brando,

There’s a pickle, hon! And I’m not speaking just euphemistically.

The problem with telling her is that you will then become the enemy. You have to create a scenario where she sees it with her own eyes. You will have to be really blatant, because if she hasn’t figured it out by now, she is apparently blinded by teen love (aka lust).

Go out and purchase a baby monitor. They are not expensive. Tell your sister that you’ve been waking yourself up at night from snoring and are worried you are going to choke to death. Ask desperately, won’t she please listen for your sounds of distress so you don’t die. Put the monitor in her room and the receiver in yours. Make sure it’s on the next time her boyfriend comes over. When the beau enters your room for hanky panky, try to make yourself look as innocent as possible in all of it when she storms into the room.

Your sister won’t speak to you for a few weeks, but she will get over him and eventually thank you when she figures out the baby monitor business.

Now to the more important problem. Have your sister read THIS immediately!

Best of luck, hon,

IB Crabby


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