Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My wife and I are the proud parents of a lovely daughter who is about to get married. From the day she was born we opened two special bank accounts. One, for her college education and the other, for her wedding day. Considering that she has waited to the age of 34 to marry, you can imagine that her wedding fund is quite substantial! It is our pleasure to pay for this, after all these years, especially considering that she is marrying a very successful doctor.

It’s hard to imagine that in all this happy news there could be a problem, right? Wrong! There is a huge problem, and it’s our daughter. She has been making terrible decisions for this wedding. First, the location. She wants to get married in a public park, instead of at our family house of worship. Sure, she hasn’t been to church in 8 years and now professes to be an atheist, but this is where all of her childhood friends and our friends have gone. Tradition should count for something. I mean, she’s talking about walking barefoot through the park, by the duck pond, where she and her fiance met. Just because it’s “so romantic.” Rubbish! I say. Rubbish! Her mother and I have forbidden this.

Then there is her dress. This is what she wants to wear:
wedding dress

Seriously, Mrs. Crabby, balloons? She says that after the ceremony, which she and her intended want performed by a circus clown, who was at the park when they met and has just gotten his $10 license to perform wedding ceremonies, she will release the balloons into the air! I asked if she will have anything on underneath, and she said, “a white bikini. It’s a park dad. Kids will be there.”

For the reception, they want to have a disco party in our back yard. My daughter says it’s because she never got to have parties as a teenager because of all the AP classes and homework she had to do in order to get into college at age 16.

My wife and I have saved this money for a beautiful wedding at our church by the beach, presided by the bishop, with a reception at a beautiful country club in Malibu. We would even have enough left to send them on a honeymoon in Tahiti! And they are turning this down. They want to go river rafting in the Grand Tetons, because they think it’s a funny name for mountains.

What can we do to talk our daughter out of her terrible plans?


Daddy Bigbucks


Dear Daddy B,

Kids. Go figure, eh, hon? Fenwick and I imagined our Seymour out on his own by now, with a six figure job that would allow him a guest house for us on his estate. But no. He’s still living here with us at the Dollar, going through two more graduate courses, trying to “find himself.” Gracious heavens, I find him all over our rooms – in his dirty laundry.

Give up trying to control this, hon. There’s nothing you can do. And you’re creating tsuris where there should be sweet memories.  Let your daughter and son-in-law to be have their way. You can’t fight love. Nor should you want to, even if it is more lust than love.  It sounds like a bargain wedding anyway.

I’d say, save that money, because 50% chances say that this will be your daughter’s first marriage. Especially with a doctor. They’re traditionally never home; take mistresses in the second year; then lose all interest after the first child is born. The leftover money can be then used for her next wedding. After that, though, she should pony up her own costs. And, if by some outside chance this doctor fellow is a lifelong, real deal, that money can be used to spoil your grandchildren with everything you know will annoy the living hell out of your daughter. That’s a fun place for evening things up.

These are new times we live in. Well, actually they’re not. They’re old times, but with better technology and an enormous increase in the populace. As creatures, we haven’t changed much.

Enjoy your daughter’s wedding through her enjoyment. Tell her, “It’s your day, hon, do what you want.” This way, the second wedding will be exactly as you and your wife want, because she’ll want something completely opposite.

Good luck,

IB Crabby

Why of course!

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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