One of the toughest things to do in these modern times is to know the correct time to worry.

There are those out there who say that we should never worry about anything ever. These are people who have never had children. Or a drinking problem.

There are entire pharmaceutical lines of medications that deal with nothing else but symptoms caused by worry. There are antidepressants; anti-anxiety meds; heartburn medication; hair replacement aids, and so on. All these  will handily mask for you the symptoms caused by focused and aggressive bouts of worry.

Wouldn’t it be helpful to know when to worry and when not to worry? First let’s start right here. We’re on a computer network right now, which means we have access and/or ownership of online computing power! This fact alone alleviates us of the worry of financial doom. For this second anyway. We can afford to go surfing! On the web. A starving Sudanese child cannot do this. A penniless beggar in India cannot do this. A member of the Lingala tribe in the Congo cannot do this (though frankly, in their case, I don’t think they care). Further, we’ve probably had our breakfast before doing this. Bonus score! Pondering these facts alone should leave you worry free until the mail gets here.

The mail. Here come the bills. Bills bills bills. Some people have a thing called a “job.” This is a thing where you exert just as much effort and energy as you do during your regular day, except you are doing it for the benefit of someone called a “boss” or something called a “company.” They then give you “money” for this effort and exertion. This is what you use to pay your bills. Now, if you do not have a job that pays you “money”, the argument might be made that worry is in order. Well I say this.

No amount of worry is going to cause anyone to call you saying “Brian Webster? You’ve got the job! Can you start tomorrow?” Even if your name is Brian Webster. Worrying is not going to change one single thing about your situation. It’s only going to make your body unhappy. And render your digestive track incapable of digesting donuts. Which will end up depressing you further. Simply dismiss these kinds of worries from your mind and go blithely about your day as if you have a wonderful job. Which you do. Though it doesn’t pay you any “money.” Oh dear, here we go again.

There are appropriate times to worry, hons. Or to feign worry. I would vote for the latter, as this will enable you to walk to another venue and have a laugh at the expense of others.

Here are a few examples of times you should worry:

~When faced with an imminent natural disaster, such as a tsunami, tornado, hurricane or visit from your mother-in-law.

~When a bone is sticking out of one your limbs and you are still conscious. And without a cell phone or in screaming distance of someone with a cell phone. And a large, hungry, predatory animal is bearing down on you, fast. With her litter of six hungry cubs.

~When your child informs you, on the way to school, that it is your turn to bring snack for the entire class that day, based on a theme. And the theme is “Delicious Snacks Made From Quinoa.” And if you forget the snack, it will be the third time this semester and your child will be made a laughing-stock at the “Fancy Pants Preschool,” which will scar them for life and render them drug addicted before kindergarten.

~When you have fallen into the ocean with a shaving cut from the morning and are instantly surrounded by hungry sharks. Or, when you have mistakenly walked into a talent agency meeting with a shaving cut from the morning and are instantly surrounded by hungry talent agents.

~When you finally arrive at your extreme sports survival camping destination in the middle of a burning desert and realize you have forgotten your sunscreen and battery operated vibrator.

~When the motion sensor toilet you just used prodigiously does not flush when you walk away. And there is a line of people waiting.

~When you see your doctor for a follow-up visit and he’s lost your file, and then says, “Well, that’s OK. It really doesn’t matter.”

Think twice before you start to worry, hons. Most of it is a lot of hooey. Just think to yourself “When the comet comes to destroy the earth, will this really have been all that important?”

IB Crabby

Soooo sweet

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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