New Year Baby

We can thank old Julius Caesar for our New Year’s day, hons! That’s right, the old Roman emperor who pissed off enough people to get himself murdered by a work colleague decided that our brand New Year would start at January 1st.

January is named for the Roman god Janus. Janus is allegedly the god of doors, or new beginnings. (I’m surprised Jim Morrison didn’t write a song about him). He looks at the future and past at the same time, thus being “two-faced,” just like your so-called best buddy who tells everyone how you ended up face down in a toilet after too much New Year’s Eve celebrating, with a photo posted on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

But January 1st is only New Year’s to us who are Western culture born, bred or naturalized. For the Chinese and Vietnamese, the New Year begins on a different day every year, depending on the new moon of the first lunar month, and is the most important holiday for our Chinese and Vietnamese brethren. I’ll bet the food at their parties is better than the food at ours.

For Tibetans, New Year’s is called “Losar,” which is not the name of a Tibetan super-hero, and falls sometime between January and March, depending on traditions that are kept secret from the likes of us. Probably because they make a special beer for the holiday and don’t have enough to share.

But I am a Western gal and stuck with January 1st. Or, “Tuesday,” as we call it this year.

I’m really tired of making so-called resolutions for the New Year, aren’t you? This silly list gets forgotten by noon on January 2nd at least. We might pick it up again in March and give a frail “Oh yeah” rah rah, only to forget it an hour later. Then by August we’re wondering when this annoying year is going to finally end! At least this year we had a potentially exciting end of the world to look forward to!

Given a, perhaps delusional, perception of a more realistic bent for this current version of my organic physical journey through our shared earthly dimension, here is my advice for 20123:

1. Make peace with your past. Bribe all who might rat your out and change your name if necessary, so your present doesn’t find you in jail!!

2. What others think of you can be used as grounds for a good slander suit and award for damages, if you find the right lawyer and live in California.

3. Time helps people to forget what a douche you were at the New Year’s Eve party.

4. You alone are responsible for your own happiness. You, and whatever plastic hasn’t been cancelled from holiday overspending.

5. Compare your life with others! Just be judicious in the “others” you choose. You’ll feel like a big shot comparing yourself to a starving Sudanese child!

6. Stop thinking! “Ignorance is bliss” is a longstanding saying for good reason. Though I’ve forgotten what the reason is.

7. Smile and nod pleasantly, as if you’ve been properly medicated. It will give those around you a false sense of security.

8. Don’t wear underwear a couple days a week. Your friends and family will wonder at the arbitrary raising of your eyebrows and intermittent “Woooo!”s when you feel the breeze up your wahoozie! Just say “It’s a privates joke.” Plus you’ll have less laundry to do as a bonus!

9. When you get a wrong number, or a telemarketer on the phone, make a different choice this year. Don’t be annoyed or bothered. Turn it into sport. Speak in an accent and ask them questions. Ask them funny things like “Why are you wearing THAT today?” or tell them you’ll have to get your mommy to come to the phone when she’s done playing “ride the pony” on one of your “uncles.” Have fun! You’ll find you miss them when they stop calling.

10. Don’t give the street bums money. Buy them a sandwich! And maybe a cup of soup. (I know, this one’s actually a nice suggestion. You’ll forgive me. It’s in case I happen to be one of the bums on the corner with the sign that you might run across.)

There’s 10 good solid suggestions for the New Year. Have a safe, happy celebration, hons. Watch the parades on television, under a blanket with a lovely cup of spiked cocoa. Kiss your loved ones, or photos of your crushes if you live alone. Be sweet to yourselves at least one day next year. Lord knows the government and our ever more callous society will bitch slap you the rest of the days. And if you ever have questions or concerns, you can always come and ask,

Dear Mrs. Crabby,


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