HOLIDAY QUICKIES

Dear Tom in Peoria, Yes, hon, gifting lingerie with a hidden camera is stalking.

Dear Hildy in Memphis, Bake a broccoli floret in the middle of a small corn muffin and tell the little ones it’s “Elf Candy,” to help get more veggies in ’em!

Dear Chris in Casper, I advise against inviting yourself to your ex-Mother-In-Law’s place for the holidays. You’ll just end up in a twisted sibling rivalry scenario with your ex spouse. Unless that sort of thing is festive for you, then go for it, hon!

Dear Bruce in Boston, While it is good to be proactive, a prescription for STD meds for a prospective date sends the wrong message, hon.

Dear Granny in Augusta, Trust me, hon, your grandchildren are not going to embrace your newly adopted nudist lifestyle this holiday season. At the least, get some holiday aprons for you and Gramps.

Dear Faith in California, (I just read that back and had the biggest giggle, hons!), Prunes and bran, hon. That’s the best way, short of a colonic, to process a steak eating binge. Meanwhile, wear a muumuu till the gas has passed and stay away from open flame.

Hons! I’m off to fatten the goose, as used to be said back in the day people had money for gift buying. There’s a special at the 99 cent store for condoms! And I’m thinking household cleaning supplies would be welcome gifts for friends, not to mention cheerful, passive-aggressive hints! And personal hygiene spray with a sweet ribbon for the slut in your life.

IB Crabby

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Tell Mrs. Crabby all!