Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I’ve been seeing the most wonderful man for three years now. He is my dream come true and I tell him this often. He is a gorgeous Adonis with a great tushie as well as a generous and warm spirit. We have a story book relationship that has really helped to make up for the years I was ignored by my parents and sister during my childhood.

There is only one fly in the ointment, so to speak, Mrs. C. (If I may call you this. It is out of affection, truly). It’s Bryan’s mother. Or, as he calls her, his “Ma-MA.” She is just bald-faced rude to me whenever we get together for family occasions.

She says she is fully accepting of Bryan being gay, but every time we meet she is always telling Bryan about how his old high school girlfriend, Honey, is doing. To the point of showing him nude pictures from Playboy that she did last year, and how she is still single and pines over him.

Then she insults me directly. She will pat my tummy and tsk and say “Not watching the carbs again?” (I recently lost 45 pounds after going on the Atkins diet and starting a healthy exercise program). And she should talk! She’s got three chins and follows her tummy into every room!

But the worst of it was last week. I made reservations at the Ivy for Bryan’s birthday, for a special celebration. His mother’s “gift” was an autographed copy of a book entitled “Your Anus Is Sacred.” When he opened it (and turned beet red), his mom just gave us both “significant” looks and said I should read it as well.

Bryan swears we’ll never see her again. But he’s done that before and she always creates a disaster to guilt him back into her web of control.

Is there anything I can do to help keep this woman at bay?




Dear Earnest,

At times like these, hon, it’s good to remember the basic nature of what we are. We are just  animals. No different from our pets or zoo creatures or creatures in the wild, aside from being able to walk upright, wear silly clothing and consider ourselves to be “all that” in the universal scheme of things. We are just silly billy goats.

Your Bryan’s “Ma-MA” is simply peeing in your corner, hon, to establish continued territorial rights over Bryan’s cute little tushie. She can’t give up Alpha status. I suspect she has no problem controlling Honey, but you are probably a bit of an independent challenge for her. She’s just trying to rile you up into scaring Bryan away with a tantrum or some such.

It’s time for some reverse psychology. First the animal side. Go and buy a small atomizer bottle. Just before you go to visit her place, fill the atomizer with some of your urine. Yes, I know it sounds disgusting. Just do it. When you are at her place, and when no one is looking, spritz around the corners of her house. In every room, hon. Make sure you find places that don’t get cleaned regularly. The curtains are good; carpeted corners and such like. And certainly don’t miss her boudoir! You want her to drink in your scent while she sleeps. 

Next, whenever you see her, don’t shower before hand, so that your scent will be more noticeable to her. Greet her with gifts and warmth. As you hand her a bouquet of her favorite flowers (also spritzed with your urine), compliment her. “My, my ma-MA, if you keep losing weight you’re just going to disappear!” and “You’re looking radiant ma-MA! What’s your secret? You’ve got a secret boyfriend or 10 now, don’t you?”

Two things will converge – she will be overpowered by your scent and start deferring to you as the alpha and the compliments will confuse her and keep her quiet.

If this doesn’t work, get back to me and I’ll explain how to use furniture to symbolically “mount” her to establish your dominance.

Don’t tell Bryan what you’re doing, and be sure to keep the atomizer hidden, or the jig will be up, along with the toilet seat!

Good luck to you, hon. Game on!!

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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