OH WHERE HAS MY PLACENTA GONE?

Dear Mrs. Crappy [sic],

I am a happy woman with my true love boyfriend. We have been together for 6 months now and have moved in together. I gave up my amazing apartment overlooking the river to move into his suburban condo because he owns it and the market isn’t good for selling. Because I love him so much. It’s OK because I completely remodeled it with paint and new furniture. It’s very modern and ultra sleek-looking now and I have cured his bad habit of cluttering up space with too many photos and knick knacks.

Here is the problem. His family hates my guts! I met them after the first month when we knew we would move in together and I started the remodel of his place. His mother smiles at me in person, then tells people behind my back that I am a parasitic gold digger (which is ironical [sic] because I make twice as much money as her son). His brother won’t even talk to me, which is at least more honest than his sister who screams at me and calls me bad names and then puts things in my drinks, which I am sure is some kind of poison. Or spit.

He says they are upset because I took down all the family pictures and home-made knick knacks in his condo. But, here is my problem. I did not tell him that I threw all that ugly sh** out! It was hideous, Mrs. Crappy. Really. A hanging quilt with baby ducks, chicks and dried placenta from his birth? A photo of his circumcision? A family holiday picture, framed in brown globs, memorializing the time they all got the runs from a restaurant in Acapulco? These are not wholesome things to look at. So I tossed them all out. But I didn’t tell him this at the time.

What should I do? He says we never have to see his family again if I don’t want to. But he’s starting to ask about the photos and knick knacks. What should I tell him?

Signed,
At Odds Louise

 

Dear AOL,

Well, hon, you’ve painted yourself in a corner here. I’d say with menstrual blood, but that would be in bad taste.

First of all, you will be seeing the family again if you stay with this fellow. Right now you are in the honeymoon blush of first love and he will say anything to keep you happy as long as you are providing the sexuals. This is natural human nature. If you two get married, you can count on dinner with the in-laws at least once a month.

I would suggest finding some way of surviving the family encounters. Perhaps excusing yourself often for naps in the car. And certainly don’t eat or drink anything they prepare. Unless you’re willing to throw it up immediately afterward. You can also do things like wear overbearing amounts of perfume. This will do two things: it will keep them physically away from you; and it will give them something else to talk about, distracting them from focusing on the missing items.

As to those missing items. Well, hon, you can’t cry over tossed out treasures. Apparently they were not all that important to your sweetie or he would have never let you redecorate without them. Or, he could be one of those fellows who just doesn’t notice their immediate surroundings unless there are naked boobs on them. I don’t think you have any worries here. You just need a plausible answer handy for when you are asked.

I’m assuming you hired contractors and laborers to do the work? Just tell your sweetie that you packed all his ….things…. into a box for storage, but the workers must have accidentally thrown them out! There you go! Pontius Pilate in a skirt with washed hands! This way he has a satisfactory explanation for his family, and you are off the hook!

There you go, hon. Don’t worry so much. Unless you accidentally swallow his mother’s pot roast. You might want to carry around a supply of ipecac. Just in case.

Good luck to you!

IB Crabby

“Hmmmm, how does one dry placenta for a quilt?”

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Tell Mrs. Crabby all!