HOW TO CHANGE A DIAPER

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am currently looking after my husband’s father, who is quite senile, completely incontinent and outrageously frisky.

When the current caretaker quit suddenly, no one was available at any agency in town to care for Stan. We’ve gone through them all. My husband is looking to relocate someone from another town, with a binding contract, but until then, I am the only one with time to care for Stan.

There has to be an easier way to change his diapers, Mrs Crabby. Every time I need to do this, and it is quite often during the day, Stan will jump up and run outside just as soon as his diaper is off. He won’t come back in until either the police bring him by or he is hungry.

Then when I try to put a fresh diaper on him, he grabs my hands and tries to….tries to…., how shall I put this politely? He tries to have his way with my hands. This is completely freaking me out. My husband says to just ignore it. But, Mrs. Crabby, Stan is quite well endowed and his member is impossible to ignore.

What do you recommend until my husband can find someone?

Signed,

Unhand Me!!

 

Dear Unhand Me,

Well this is a pickle, and I don’t mean Stan’s “member.”

Call Stan’s doctor immediately and ask for a prescription of sedatives. Keep the fellow happily sedated until you can hire someone else in. If his physician won’t comply, prepare lots of sippy cups full of bourbon and keep them in the fridge.

I hope you are giving yourself nights off and having your husband take over. If not, then you should prepare an invoice for your time. The rates are $15 to $25 an hour depending on your location.

Make sure you are wearing latex or latex free gloves when you change Stan, and keep a baggie of ice handy. Place the ice on Stan’s dinkus before you change him. It also might help to handcuff him beforehand as well. Just tell him you’re going to play a lovely game of “Teacher and Naughty School Boy.” Then you should be able to change him with no ruckus.

I suggest you tell your husband to import a caretaker from one of the Scandanavian countries where the general populace has far more liberal and understanding views of the sexuals.

If none of this helps, then I suggest you arrange a very long visit with an out of town friend or relative.

Good luck, hon!

IB Crabby

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