I received this in the mail on Saturday,

Greetings Mrs. Crabby!

Congratulations! You have been specially selected to receive a one time only offer of a limited time, significantly reduced membership fee to join the elite and highly sought after fitness club “NO MACHINES NECESSARY!!”

As you probably know, “NO MACHINES NECESSARY!!” does not waste your valuable time with fitness machines, trainers or punishing classes taught by tight little 30-year-olds who bounce around like jumping beans on crack.

NO! “NO MACHINES NECESSARY!!” sends you a daily e-mail regimen of exercise to get your old bones moving to a beat!

For example – today’s e-mail instructs you to “get moving with the oldies, and we don’t mean Betty White!!” You are directed to the iTunes store to purchase a compilation of ’80’s disco hits for your iPod (iPod purchased separately). Then you’re given a link to Google maps to log in the closest walking trail or path, at no extra charge! The last link is not to be clicked until you return, where you will log in your mileage on your “PATH TO MY BEST SEXY!!”

Believe me, Crabby, You will not recognize yourself after just six short weeks with your personalized mash-up of WALKING, JUMP-ROPE (jump-rope not included), TOE DANCING AROUND YOUR KITCHEN, and such-like! Just give us 30 minutes a day at “NO MACHINES NECESSARY” and, if not g-string, you will be bikini ready by next June.

NO! pesky driving and trying to find a parking place at a crowded gym!
NO! need for buying fashionable work-out clothes so as not to embarrass yourself!
NO! worries about anyone seeing where on your body you sweat through your clothes!
…and best of all “NO MACHINES NECESSARY!!”

(Annual membership fee of $525.99 reduced to special introductory price of $19.99 for a limited time. Enroll TODAY!”

It gave me a nightmare, very much like this one,

(With grateful thanks to Miss Swan)

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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