Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My husband, Ed, and I are good people. Not really Christian. Though not really not. We always followed the ABC’s, like “Do unto others, then leave quickly,” and “Let he who is without sin cast the first comedy role.”

But we’re getting old now. I’m 71 and Ed is 86. Ed’s gotten real worried about what will happen to him after he’s dead.

We saw this ad in the paper for a minister named Reverend Peter who claims he can teach you God’s secret language, so that when you get to the pearly gates you’ll be able to understand what St. Peter is saying and know the right thing to say. It’s called “Glossy Tongue.” The class is a bit pricey, but it is eternity we’re talking about. Ed says that $10,000 is not expensive for eternal peace. For each of us. With a set of 20 practice CDs at $100 each. But it was a really impressive ad, with catchy slogans like “Say YO! to Yahweh! in his natural language!” And it was printed in the newspaper. They wouldn’t print anything crooked, right?

I am writing to you to see if you know anything about this language and if you could recommend this class.

Thanks ever so,



Dear Beth,

The only thing eternal about Reverend Peter’s class is your permanent loss of cash. Hon, you and Ed need to learn (even though you’re really old) how to ask questions. Just because it’s in a newspaper does not make it true. Especially these days.

Eternal peace is a mystery we’ll all learn soon enough. No need to worry about it now. Did it bother you not to be here before you were born?

Reverend Peter does not carry a shepherd’s crook. He is a crook. He is the used apple salesman in the Garden of Eden. He wears Levite jeans. His cheer is “GO-LIAR!”

As far as I know, God does not have a secret language. And if he does, it’s obviously a secret and anyone spreading it around would be struck by lightning or cursed with frogs or some such.

For comfort, I’d recommend regular massage, season tickets to the local philharmonic and a HDTV with a good satellite dish (Direct TV seems to be best). Take up a hobby, like philately or origami. I can’t really recommend church any more because I don’t think God goes to most of them. Not these days.

Make some new friends. Grow vegetables. There are lots of good things to do yet. Before eternity bitch slaps you to hell, or wherever. Just kidding!

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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