TO FART OR NOT TO FART

Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I have a terrible and embarrassing problem. I fart after I laugh. Every time. It’s like laughing squeezes me from the middle down, and out goes all the air in my intestines. It usually doesn’t smell at all, and if there are more people in the room I can deflect the blame, but when it’s just me and one other person, well there’s no question about who shot the sheriff then.

This is ruining my dating life. My doctor says I’m perfectly healthy and that some people just fart more than others. I’ve tried to create sound proof underwear, but they make me look oddly fat, with hips, like someone with Kleinfelter’s syndrome. Besides, when you want to get busy, you don’t want multiple layers of foam in the way.

What do you recommend?

Signed,

Bradley

 

Dear Bradley,

How frustrating for you, hon! But you are in distinguished company. Leslie Nielson, Jessica Simpson and Ozzy Osbourne are famous farters. Mr. Osbourne let a big one fly at his daughters parent-teacher conference, which reportedly got him banned from the school. Though I wonder what that school does with its flatulent students. Playwrights from ancient 5th century Greece’s Aristophanes to England’s Chaucer used fart jokes in their material.

The best defense, hon, is a good offense. Tell your date up front that part of your fitness routine includes aerobic flatulence. Say that your doctor told you that increased flatulence is a sign of remarkable virility. Tell your friends they are lucky you don’t eat beans and onions together and tear gas them.

The best anyone can do with an unfortunate physical condition is to embrace it with humor! And you might even be able to rent yourself out to those who want to put others off! Pick up a little side cash.

For the ladies, find one who farts just like you do. We’re They’re out there, hon! You could serenade each other.

Good Luck!

IB Crabby

Oh my!

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