LITTLE BITS FOR AUGUST 22

Dear Mrs. C, Is it all right to hit on my friend’s daughter now that I’m divorced? Signed, Proper Al

Dear PA, not if you want to retain the ability to walk.

 

Dear Mrs. C, How does one boil an egg without the white coming out all gloopy in the water? Signed, Hungry Alice

Dear HA, Add some white vinegar to the water before boiling and pierce a little hole in the egg with a sewing needle.

 

Dear Mrs. C, My Grandpa has really bad breath. I love hanging out with him, but man oh man it just stinks when he talks. What can I do? Signed, Wilting Andrew

Dear WA, You buy a tin of Altoids. You walk up to him, look him in the eye, hand him the Altoids and say, “Gramps, your breath stinks of zombie brains. Use these, OK?” Just tell the truth, hon. Then take him out for a peppermint sundae.

 

Dear Mrs. C, Is Global Warming real? Signed, Seriously Hot Here

Dear SHH, The polar ice caps are melting, glaciers are exploding, there is record heat everywhere. There are large numbers of folks who cannot acknowledge these events as a Global Warming trend. Of course, they also cannot acknowledge that the earth is round and rotates around the sun and believe the earth is only 6,000 years old. 

 

Dear Mrs. C, My boss comes to work every single day with really noticeable VPL (visible panty line). It’s not slight, it’s like a giant line outlining her butt. Everyone makes jokes behind her back. It’s very rude. Should I tell her? I feel bad for her. Signed, Nagging My Conscience

Dear NMC, Make sure no one is looking. Take a photo of her rear. Blow it up. Put a caption under it that says “This look isn’t working for you.” Then add the name of a store that sells better undergarments. Then mail it to her home. Do not sign it and don’t put your return address on the envelope. That would be a mistake.

 

Dear Mrs. C, Where does an older woman go to meet single men? Lonely and Sad

Dear LAS, Divorce court and funeral homes are the only places you can be sure they’re really single. Good luck, hon.

IB Crabby

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Tell Mrs. Crabby all!