Dear Mrs. Crabby,

On our last vacation, my wife Lisa got really sick. She was not able to provide the usual amount of physical release I have required since we got married three years ago. I have never seen her this ill.

She is a most understanding girl and told me to go take care of myself and enjoy what was left of our vacation. I mistakenly interpreted this to mean that she gave me permission to seek out professionals to provide me daily pleasure. Which I did. There were only three different ladies. I tried to go back to the same one, but they had rotating schedules.

Anyways, ma’am, somehow one of them found me on Facebook and keeps trying to “friend” me. I was about to mention this to Linda, but when I said “Remember last vacation when you got really sick?”, Lisa went on and on about what a great guy I am to forego my needs and find other things to do! Apparently she meant something else when she told me to “go take care of myself.”

Well, I feel terrible now, but this woman is most insistent. And she was the best of the three. I would like to keep in touch. Just in case Lisa gets sick again, you know.

What should I do, Mrs. Crabby?

Needing A Backup


Dear NAB,

Hon, you are playing with fire here. There are only two ways to go. One is to delete your Facebook account, pretend nothing ever happened and never do this again, so you can have a long happy life with your young wife.

The second is probably the way it will go. You will feel more and more compelled to friend this woman, who your wife will ask about when she sees it on your updates. You’ll make up an elaborate story of how you had met her on that vacation, crying in a coffee shop, down on her luck, trying to find a way to feed her six small children and infirm mother and just tried to help her out. That it was your help and encouragement that gave her hope to go on and now that she is back on her feet, she just wants to thank you.

Lisa will read every bit of the woman’s Facebook ‘About’ page and send her a message. The woman will come back to you letting you know of the message. She will ask how much is it worth to you to not tell your wife the truth. You will panic and tell her you have to meet in person to give her the money. You put together a kit with chloroform and a lethal dose of cyanide.

Lisa will follow you. With a gun inside her purse, and a pair of latex gloves.

Wanting just one last hurrah before carrying out your plan to do this woman in, you take her to the local hourly rate motel.

As you are taking her to the room to carry out your cold-blooded plan – SURPRISE! there is Lisa with the gun, ready to shoot. But DOUBLE SURPRISE! It turns out that this woman is actually the sheriff’s sister! The sheriff leaps out of nowhere with a camera and flash and takes photos of the whole scene.  You imagine headlines splattered across People Magazine.

The woman and her larcenous sheriff brother take you and Lisa to the coffee shop where you mortgage the rest of your life in blackmail payments so that your reputations are not ruined.

What could have been a sordid Dateline story turns into a twisted Jerry Springer episode.

I’d go with choice number one, hon. It will be far less expensive.

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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