Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I am an earthy gal. I really enjoy how my armpits smell after the gym, and sometimes I do not shower for a week, unless I have important meetings at work. (I am a partner in a mid-sized CPA firm in a large city). I also enjoy the smell of my farts. I keep mason jars at the ready in my loo, and I hold my poo for as long as possible, then when a big ole fart is coming down the pike, I let ‘er rip into the jar, seal it up quick as a bunny and then save it in the fridge for a future whiff.

Last week my boyfriend stayed over for the first time ever. He went into the fridge and opened one of my special jars up. He came into the bedroom with a big WTF?? question on his face. I thought he understood what I am about and when I explained to him what this was, he ran out of my apartment without getting fully dressed. I was so hurt.

What can I do to get him back?


Lonely in Denver


Dear LID,

Hon, this is what you need to do. Put a LID on this. Keep these habits only to yourself. And for heaven’s sake do NOT post this on Facebook!!

Or, in the alternative, you could go find a lovely homeless man to date. You may find that his “aura” is even more interesting than your own.

This particular fellow is gone with the wind.

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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