BLESS ME FOR I HAVE THINNED

Dear Mrs. C.,

I married the man of my dreams last year, when it was finally legal. Yay me! At the time I was a cherubic looking 210 pounds of happy love. My sweetheart, Jay, started dropping hints that he would like me to lose some weight after we started watching those Extreme shows where people became shadows of their former selves. Jay is not a string bean himself, but since watching those shows he’s been going to the gym and has acquired two of a six-pack.

I signed up for Lindora, which is a healthy and quick program. Plus I joined the same gym as Jay and we work out together. Yay me, I dropped 40 pounds to a lean 170 and have my six-pack abs, plus a killer tushie! All the boys at the gym are flocking around me now asking for fitness tips! Plus I got two raises at work, because looks do count.

Now Jay is complaining that I’m too skinny and muscle-y,and he’s been bringing home donuts and pizza and setting them in a warming oven to fill our place with the aromas. The thing is, Mrs. C., that those smells make me nauseous now. I crave salads and whole grains. I have to leave our place when he does this and he takes it personally, as if I am leaving him! Though the way he’s behaving lately, I kind of do want to be away from him.

Am I a terrible person? I’ve tried talking to him about this, but he just shuts down and puts his PS3 headphones on and plays hours of HALO.

We’ve been together 10 years, but I really don’t think I can handle much more of this.

What to do?

Signed,

Fit And Disappointed Edgar

 

Dear FADE,

I feel your pain, hon. It’s a tough thing when you have fulfilled seemingly impossible lifelong dreams and then the reality turns out to be no better than what you had before – just different.

But here’s the fun news, hon – you look fabulous and can go out and have a rockin’ good time with your hot new looks and some more cash in your pants! If Jay does not appreciate the upside to this, then you have the opportunity to be the first gay divorce!

You’ll be in all the news in print and online! Anderson Cooper might even want to interview you. You’ll be hot AND famous. A winning combination in today’s culture. That’s all you really need to start your own reality TV show and clothing line. Who knows, maybe Jay would get with the program and come back to you with the rest of his own six-pack! It would add to the drama of your new brand, hon. 

Either way, it’s a win win for you, hon. And that’s what we like here in the parlor!

IB Crabby

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