Dear Hons,

I am writing a letter to you for a change! Isn’t that just so bizarre? Well, considering…

Anyway, I have to tell you the most wonderful thing! I have discovered and uncovered and found a wonderful new spiritual counselor.

Hitting this desperate crossroads in my life – trying to find my fiscally responsible way while still maintaining my calling to help others utilizing my various and dubious artistic gifts, I stumbled upon a wondrous place. It is called the Pantry Shelf Aberration Center.

In this magical place, there is a guide, a leader, a visionary, why I call him my “gouda rock.” He is the Parmesana Yogurtnanda!

He sees you when you’re steeping! He knows if you have a grate! He knows if you can chop or mince, so get your knife sharpened for goodness’ sake.

My first day there I was treated to the beginner’s medium-ration. It was a tablespoon of grated parmesan. Not just parmesan. But parmesan made from the fresh skim milk of a levitating cow who can moo an aria from Puccini like nobody’s a’business. After ingesting the brilliant cheese, I had a vision myself. Though it turned out to be Patrick Dempsey walking by in blue bike Speedos (when you’re in Hollywood, these things happen, hons). Back to earth again, I noticed that the stress rash that had been growing on my chin was now gone! Though I still had to pluck the hairs when I got home.

Then the Parmesana himself entered wearing the holy toque and served us some blueberry Chobani.

He preached a tiny homily that ended with “My children, some are destined to be the cheese solid while others of you are destined to be the wind that passes through the holes of the cheese. Both are essential to a healthy bowel.”

Then we sat and chanted the universal “Yum” for twenty minutes.

It was fantastic. I can’t wait to go back. I just know that my chop-raws will become perfectly aligned and I’ll be empowered for the life I was meant to live – through diet. I’ll share my experiences as I go, hons.

Because I’m just here to help.

IB Crabby


Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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