Dear Mrs. Crabby,

I don’t know how much more I can take. My life has been stressed for years now. I keep thinking it will get better. But it doesn’t. It gets worse. More every year. My husband has been unemployed due to injury for several years now. We have three kids. I have two jobs. And both jobs have cut back hours to six, and have cut pay so I’m going to have to get a third job. My day begins at 4:30 and doesn’t stop till 10:00, with getting kids to school, making lunches, paying bills, working two jobs, getting husband to physical therapy, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner. I know I should be making this,

But we usually end up having this,

While trying to do everything, I fail at it all. It’s too much. What can I do?




Dear Harried,

Oh for cripes sake, hon, stop whining! You have two jobs? You lucky duck! So many don’t even have one! Since six hours is the new eight hours, you have a wealth of work! And now you want a third!! Greedy, greedy, greedy! And your husband can afford physical therapy? Riches beyond imagination!

Now, I am not ignoring your time constraints. They surely exist. But you are taking far too much far too personally. You need to adopt the new time management system that all upper management executives employ. “Delegate and Repurpose!!!” Here’s how it works for you, hon –

You have three employees!! Sure they’re kids, but very soon, after all the states change their labor laws, your kids will be stolen away by minimum wage businesses. Use ’em while you have ’em. Teach them how to make their own lunches, do their own laundry, clean their own rooms, plus one extra room in the house. Pay them with food! No workee, no eatee! Make them responsible for getting themselves to and from school. Preschoolers will have no trouble at all bumming rides from school mates parents after being seen standing at the curb hitch hiking a ride home.

Re-read your Oliver Twist and employ the same techniques as Fagin! It’s what all Ivy League schools are teaching their MBA business students.

As to your jobs – use the movie studio and government employees secrets to continued success – do as little as possible over the course of your shift. Do only just enough to not get fired. You’ll find yourself promoted into upper management with higher pay in no time at all, hon! And then you’ll have to do even less! Soon other companies will be fighting over stealing you away, PLUS you’ll have an assistant who will do all your work for you!

As to helping your husband, this is a tough decision, but you might consider secretly helping him find a girlfriend under the guise of “helper.” This will free up so much of your time that your third job could be an online business. Apparently they’re making millions of dollars these days.

Follow these tips and you’ll be enjoying family vacations in the Caribbean in no time, hon! Just keep it between us so everyone doesn’t do it! SOMEBODY has to get the work done!

IB Crabby

Tell Mrs. Crabby all!

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