Dear Madame Crabby,

My name is Chad. I work for the Red Cross as a phlebotomist in a Blood Mobile. It is a very rewarding job, as you can imagine. Lots of really good people helping others in need. I consider it a privilege to do this work.

Just one little wrinkle. Occasionally someone will come in to donate who I end up crushing on big time! Because it is unprofessional to hit on donors and it is specifically forbidden in our work code, I cannot express my true feelings. But, ma’am, the heart wants what the heart wants and the need becomes overpowering, being a normal and healthy, red-blooded if you will, man with fully functional working parts.

What I do to satisfy this overwhelming desire is to take the bag with their blood home with me. No worries to the Red Cross because I replace it with a bag of my own blood! All accounts are made whole. I don’t want karma crashing down on me, after all.

Then I just take a little sip, Mrs. Crabby. Just a teeny tiny sip. Maybe a couple.

My question then, or questions if you will: Does this make me a vampire? And is this a problem?




Dear Chad the Impaler,

Hon, I can assure you absolutely that you are not a vampire!

In order to be a vampire you must have many more attributes as well as the wardrobe, hon! First you need the teeth, then the pale bloodless skin, dark hair with a widows peak, the ability to turn into a flying bat and an extreme allergy to sunlight. For the wardrobe you must have the cape, though what’s underneath seems to be optional these days. You’d need a coffin that you sleep in during the day and a best friend who enjoys eating live insects whom you must rescue from mental wards on a regular basis so that he can help keep your coffin hidden from vampire hunters. Do you have any of these things? I think not, hon. You’re a somewhat regular fellow working a day job that happens to involve blood. If you’ve any doubts in this regard, double-check with your mother. I’m sure she’ll confirm that you’re not a citizen of the undead.

Now, as to your second question. Yes. There are better choices for after work cocktails. You need to find a different hobby, hon. Perhaps philately or collecting Pokemon cards. 

I would tell you, as I sometimes do, to just shut up and suck it up. But I’m afraid you would.

IB Crabby


Tell Mrs. Crabby all!