Dear Miss Crabby,
I hope you can help me. No one else has been able to. It’s getting worse and worse. Whenever I see a grouping of circles or holes that are not exactly linear or the same shape, or in a cohesive pattern, in something living like a plant or someone’s skin, I get a terrible buzzing in my ear that sounds like the sound from Ridley Scott’s new movie “Prometheus.” Then the room spins around me and I have to sit down before I fall down. Then I feel extremely nauseous. After this, an albino looking man in a black suit appears next to me and tells me that I only have “so long” to live. That’s how he says it. “You only have so long to live.”
I have been to doctor after doctor. The medical doctors say there is nothing wrong with me. The psychologists refer me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist ran a week’s worth of tests on me and nothing! I’m perfectly fine with a moderately elevated IQ and remarkably solid social ideation.
You’re my only hope Miss Crabby. What’s happening to me?
Out of possibilities soon
What I will tell you is this: From now on, carry a black Sharpie on your person at all times. As soon as you see the disturbing wibbly wobbly holes, whip out the Sharpie and fill all the holes in.
When the man in the suit appears, before he has a chance to speak, yell very loudly “SO LONG SO LONG SO LONG” and wave goodbye with aggressive cheerfulness. Then mark a large “X” on his white shirt with the Sharpie. Press the “X” and say “DELETE!!”
One of two things will then happen.
1. Your fears will immediately cease and your life will continue with more freedom and ease; or
2. You will find yourself in a jail cell, facing assault charges and much much bigger fears than these, also causing these original fears to disappear.
Either way, it’s a win.