Dear Mrs. Crabby,

My parents just bought this great house. We moved in a couple months ago. It’s really old and big. I have my own room. The back yard has a well, a giant swing and a creek running through it.

Like I said, it’s really old. More’n a hundred years. I asked my mom if anyone died in the house. She said “sure, but only a couple were murdered and just one hung herself.” The reason I asked is because late at night when it’s really dark, I can see them. One murdered guy walks around like the Harry Potter ghost Nearly Headless Nick and the other has a knife in her back with blood running down. The one who hung herself did it in my room! I see her swinging from the ceiling sometimes. And she winks at me! It’s totally creepy.

My mom says I’m making this up and my sister says I’m nuts cause she doesn’t see anything. But I can’t sleep any more and I’m tired all the time from trying to stay away from these things. I try to stay outside during the day, but the yard fills up with all the dead pets that were buried by the creek. There’s one dog that’s really nice, but he gets mad at me when he can’t pick up the tennis ball I throw for him. The rest are just evil. Especially the cats.

I hate this house. Help!

Scared of Ghouly Ghosts!



Dear SOGG,

If your fear were unreasonable it would be called Spectrophobia. But you are quite right to be frightened here. This is quite dire and you need to get your family out as the undead dead are apparently looking for more company.

Here is what you must do. First rent the movie “Harold and Maude” and study carefully how Bud Cort’s character “Harold” fakes his death over and over. Then do exactly as he did in front of your own mother.  Chances are she will not be as blase about it as the movie character’s mother. When asked why you do this, say “the ghosts told me to.” 

If this doesn’t work, then gather a few roadkill animals and hide them in your family’s bedrooms where they will chance upon them. Maybe hide a couple in the fireplace because then you’ll get the bursts of flies like the Amity house. If this is too ghoulish for you, then make various recordings of whispered conversations and place them on timers in areas you know your sister will be doing homework, or in the kitchen when your mother prepares dinner.

Haunt the place yourself, hon! You’ll see a For Sale sign in the yard quick as a disembodied wink! In the meantime, pour a pile of kosher salt around your bed. Place a copy of a Ghostbuster’s DVD – better yet all three – on your covers. You should then sleep like the dead, you should pardon the expression.

IB Crabby

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